Surfacing

Silent Sunday

2012-01-08T09:47:00.002Z

A wish for 2012

2012-01-02T20:00:00.000Z

My wish for 2012...

Peace.

Well yes, world peace. Obviously.

But also inside my head.

Peace. Calm. Inside my head.

Please?

My wish for 2012 - to find some inner peace.

Silent Sunday

2011-11-13T15:08:00.000Z

Silent Sunday

2011-11-06T10:15:00.006Z

Silent Sunday

2011-10-30T11:59:00.000Z

Silent Sunday

2011-10-16T11:16:00.000+01:00

Silent Sunday

2011-09-25T10:33:00.000+01:00

You Said...

2011-09-18T17:16:00.006+01:00

You said I'd turned one of the lowest parts of your life into one of the very highest.

You said you loved me with all your heart.

You said you hoped my birthday was the first of many that you would share with me.

You said that we had the most amazing connection.

You said I meant the world to you and that you never thought you could feel what you felt for me.

You said that I made you unbelievably happy.

You said that the sex we had was mindblowing. Amazing. The best you'd ever had by a mile. That you didn't ever think it could be that good.

You said that we just fit.

You said you never thought you could find this sort of happiness.

You said I'd made your life worth living.

You said you thought we had something very very special and were looking forward to sharing it with me.

You said it had been a whirlwind and that you loved every minute.

You said you loved making me happy. Loved making me smile.

You told me I was beautiful. And sexy. And smart. And funny.

You told me I was the most caring person you'd ever met.

You said you loved to see my sexy smile.

You said that I should never stop telling you that I loved you and that you loved hearing it.

You said that you wanted us to last a very long time and that you would do what ever was needed to make that happen.

And above all, you said that this was grown up love.
Real love.

*********

And yet you say you don't thing you want to see me anymore? After all of this?

You can tell me all of these things, but you didn't talk to me when you were starting to worry? How is that right? How is that fair?

You say you want space. I'm giving you space. And it goes against everything I want to do. But if that's what you need then I will give you that.
But please understand that there are things I need as well.
I need to talk this through.
I need to make sense of the things that make no sense. Which is actually all of it.
I need to remind you that you said all of these things. Because how can you tell me these things and then tell me that something isn't right? There is no sense in that.

*********

And yet you say you still love me...

*********

'Grown up love', you said. And you were right.
But this is the thing.
Grown up love, real love, isn't all whiz bang pop.
It isn't fireworks 24/7.
Its about compromise. Companionship. Caring.
It's about communication, through the good and the bad.
And real love is about the moments of calm.

Real love is exactly what you thought it was.
This.

And the sooner you realise this, the sooner you can stop the pain. And the sooner we can be back where we belong.
Because you and me? We fit. We're right.

This is love.
You said...

Silent Sunday

2011-09-11T09:38:00.000+01:00

Summer Lovin' and all that jazz/rock/rnb-soul-fusion

2011-09-04T20:14:00.000+01:00

So. The summer came and the summer went.
And now here I am dreading the back to school thing tomorrow.
I haven't blogged much this holiday, other than my photo thingmys. Mainly because I haven't known what to say. Where to start.
Why? Because its been too good. Too good to be true.
I haven't wanted to jinx it I guess!

Last summer was just horrible. Horrible doesn't even begin to cover it. But I spent it in a big vat of despair. I had such high expectations for that summer (on the surface at least. Underneath I had that sinking feeling) and it turned into a vile vile few weeks, which dragged into a few months.

So, I guess this is why I haven't said much about this summer. (That coupled with the fact that when I posted some photos of my hols the week after I got back I got the suposedly-joking-but-possibly-not-entirely-joking comment 'That qualifies as showing off...' and because I'm me and ~~a little~~ super sensitive I took it to heart and felt I couldn't say much about my holiday because I didn't want people thinking that I was showing off (which I really wasn't). Which is stooopid. Cus, well, MY BLOG!!!! Rant over). Because how could it possibly, really be as good as it seemed? Surely the big bad was obviously lurking around the corner, just waiting for me to drop my guard before he hit me with the big bad horridness again...

Um. Well. It appears not.
So na-na-na-na-na to the big bad!

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not assuming that everything is just all fine and dandy happily ever after. I'm not that naive.
BUT
The summer came. The summer went. And it was AWESOME!!!!
So there!

So. A quick few things that made my summer so fantastic...

I went on holiday.
Nope. We went on holiday.
We went on the holiday to Italy.
My dream holiday.
My favourite place with my favourite man.
We toured Rome, Venice and Lake Garda. All three were just stunning in every way.
10 days. 10 amazing days. We had the most brilliant time. I can't even put it into words.
Yes I can. Perfect. It was just perfect :)

I went to my first festival.
And LOVED it.
Soooo much fun and I can't wait to go back next year!
Ok, so it would be better if the line up was better next year (Eminem and Rihanna? Really?) And it would be nice if the world made sense again and people didn't think that throwing piss around (yes. Seriously) was ever appropriate/acceptable/in any way right! I mean, that's just. not. nice. End. of. Dirty people! And they really need to find Alan before next year (dont ask) But I didn't care about these things because it was sooooo much fun! I bounced. I drank. I camped. We talked about random things like polar bears and toucans (again, dont ask) I conquered my fear of portaloos (well, not entirely) We saw some amazing bands and singers (inspite of the not so good headliners) - Plan B was remarkable, so talented and such a performer! Scouting For Girls fantastic and just so much fun! To name just a couple that really stood out.
Loved, loved, LOVED it.
V Festival - I will see you next year :D

And I spent lots of really good time with my lovely man.
Which I'm not going to detail here.
But its been so lovely. And I've felt so happy.
And that's all I need to say :)

So. The summer came and the summer went.
It was ~~probably~~, no, definitely the best I've ever had.

And who knows whats around the corner.
It may be more of the same.
It may be the big bad. Or a slightly less big bad.
It may be amazing. It may just be normality.
But whatever...

I've just had a beautiful summer with beautiful memories. And those things last a lifetime :)

Silent Sunday

2011-09-04T10:20:00.000+01:00

The Gallery - Animals

2011-08-31T00:38:00.001+01:00

This week's Gallery theme is 'Animals'. Hmmm....

We've never been big pet people in our house - although we do have an adopted cat, 'Tat', who is particularly ~~anti-social~~ camera shy. #failº1
The lovely man's family have a farm and this weekend he had to feed the cattle while his folks were away. Brilliant, perfect. Except that I didn't manage to get out of bed in time so he went and fed them on his own. Bless his cotton socks, he did take some shots of the cows and baby calf for me, but I figured that was cheating... #failº2

So, I have a few shots from a recent trip to the Cotswold Wildlife Park to share instead. These were taken on a school trip, the kind of day every teacher dreads - 40 teenagers, wild animals, need I say more. But because of how fantastic the place is (and the fact that I drew the long straw for once and got the lovely bunch of kids) it was a really nice day. If you haven't been it is well worth a visit - I would imagine it is particularly fantastic if you have children. Clean, well kept, not to big and gorgeous animals :)


GINO* THE GIRAFFE

RAPHAEL THE RHINO... RATHER FORLORN

PALOMA THE PURRDDEE RED PANDA

ZADOC THE ZEBRA'S BEHIND

And of course, there had to be meerkats...

MARLON MADGE

'Simples' ;)

*All names are entirely fictional and purely for the amusement of the author ;)

Now head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts.

Silent Sunday

2011-08-28T11:45:00.000+01:00

The Gallery - Black and White

2011-08-16T23:48:00.001+01:00

This week's Gallery revisits an old but much loved theme - Black and White.
I'm sure that I am alongside so many others in loving it! It has so many possibilities :)

I LOVE black and white photography. Some of my very favourite photos are black and white shots.
I took over 900 photos on my holiday in Italy this summer (seriously, how?) and many of my favourite shots are the black and white ones. But I went with lots of watery shots from Italy last week, so I'm not going to do that again this week (~~honest~~)...

Instead, Im going to a different place. Places.
I'm going to a couple of places that I never meant to take black and white shots. The places where I expected the sun to shine. To be able to take glorious sun filled, colourful, vibrant shots. But it didn't shine. So I had to go somewhere slightly different...

The first set are from a trip to Llandudno in March for my birthday. The lovely man took me there so that we could get away, celebrate my birthday, and to give me a chance to get some nice shots. I was hoping for milky water shots, but it was a dull, wet, misty, miserable day. So instead got these, slightly grittier shots of the pier...

My second set are from a shoot I was set for homework on a photography course. I was told to go and shoot architecture. So I had a vision of my favourite (nearby) building - Whitley Court. Its a ruin so I was thinking romantic, slightly decaying, but in a wistful, yearning, beautiful kind of way. And so it rained. A lot. The rain poured, the wind howled, the sky was a washed out nothingness; and my lovely bohemian shots went out the window. So rather than wistful decay, I went with gritty, dark decay. Not what I wanted, but still rather interesting somehow.

Spot the Lovely Man sheltering in the corner :)

This shot, from Whitley Court that day, was actually chosen by my tutor as my contribution to our final gallery - not what I would have thought was my style a few months back, but maybe it is, who know. Would I call it my best shot? No. But he saw something in it, and maybe this is part of my 'style'. I guess I'm still trying to work that out!

My 'style'?

**********

Oh, and, you didn't seriously think I wouldn't post anything from Italy did you...
Sorry, can't help it ;)

Coliseum - Rome

St Mark's Square - Venice

Crazy swirly steps in the Vatican Museums

**********

I absolutely love black and white photography. Some of my very favourite shots are my black and white ones, and I hope you've enjoyed sharing some with me in this post.
I'll be honest, my passion for photography, no, actually my passion for posting and sharing my photographs had waned somewhat it recent weeks, for various reasons. But the Gallery themes the last couple of weeks, along with getting to grips with sifting through my Italy pics have helped to reignite the spark somewhat. And it feels kinda nice :)

And thankyou to Tara for revisiting such a fabulous theme :) *mwah*

Now head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts.

Silent Sunday

2011-08-14T18:27:00.000+01:00

The Gallery - Water (An Italian Adventure)

2011-08-10T12:17:00.001+01:00

I haven't done a Gallery Post for quite a while. Why? Not sure really - mainly lack of time, lack of inspiration, I guess I've just been lacking.

But I happened to notice the theme this morning whilst ~~stalking~~ looking at twitter - water.
Well. This is a perfect theme for me! I could have gone so many places with it.
I love water - it brings me peace, makes my soul sing. It is definitely my true love in nature.
I have so many photos of water

But.... Lovely Man and I took a trip at the start of the month. 10 days in Italy - Rome, Venice, Lake Garda. My dream holiday.
Perfectly blissful. Lots of site seeing, lots of walking, lots of sore feet. And lots of water.
So I thought I'd share a few...

Rome.
I guess you wouldn't really associate Rome with water. So for me it was all about the fountains - they are pretty mind-blowing. They don't do things by halves these Romans!
So these are a couple of long exposure shots of the famous Trevi Fountain.

Venice.
Well Venice is all about the water isn't it. It is my favourite place, my spiritual home.
So a few watery pics from my favourite city.

And Lake Garda.
This was our final stop, and a chance to relax after the bustle of two amazing cities.
Time to stop, chill and recharge. Time to let the spirit take over, let the peace wash over the soul.
A beautiful end to an amazing 10 days.

Now head over to Tara's place to see the other watery posts.

Silent Sunday

2011-08-07T22:38:00.000+01:00

Silent Sunday

2011-07-31T22:35:00.001+01:00

I'm doing fine!

2011-07-27T16:56:00.000+01:00

I few weeks ago I was really low.
At my lowest I cried all the way home from work one day and cancelled a doctors appointment because I couldn't face talking to her.
I believe I was suffering from some form of depression. The same thing that has washed over me at intervals for the last few years.

My mum suggested counseling. My mum.
She was that concerned about me that she suggested counseling.
But I've been there, done that, and it didn't help.
Normally I blog when I feel that sinking feeling - the wave of depression washing over me.
But I couldn't do that. It was too hard.
Writing it down, blogging is always easier than confessing to the people you are closest to I've found. But I knew this time that that wasn't enough. I needed to deal with this properly.

And now I feel that I can write about it, because I'm working through it, moving forward...

The main thing that was bringing me down all span from a throwaway comment last year. Throwaway but unbelievably cruel...
My ex - the one who hurt me, used me, treated me so badly, strung me along (yadda yadda yadda)... told me I was 'strange'. He even said it with a smile on his face - which shows just how throwaway it was.

Now this might not seem like much to a lot of people, but to me it stung so badly - really hit a nerve. A nerve right down at the core of who I am.

I've never been 'normal' (whatever that is). I've always been different. I blogged a few weeks back about not fitting in, standing on the edge of everything. And that's where I have always been.
I was bullied at school because I was different.
Interestingly that stopped when I hit sixth form and people started to realise that my 'being different' actually had a name. It was called 'talent'.
And I was unique in that at my very comprehensive, not particularly good, state school. People didn't do music. They didn't do ballet. They didn't paint. And they certainly didn't write poetry and short stories.
But I did.
And when I started my A levels, that was when they realised that these things were my talents. And that they were actually a good thing. And then they stopped laughing at me and wanted to know me instead.
But it was too late by then. The stigma was there. The label stuck.
I was different.

But to have it taken up a notch - to go from 'different' to 'strange' was too much for me.
I kept trying to brush it away, but it was there like a big siren above my head. And it was eating away at me.

You see I'm no good with people.
It takes me a long time to trust people, to open up to them.
Often I'm too shy to even talk to people properly - until I know them.
And I've been shot down for my shyness to many times.

So couple the shyness with the lack of confidence, the being 'different' and now being 'strange' I felt like I was spiraling out of control. I was wondering whether there was more to it than being shy, being different. Working with children on various spectrums every day I started to wonder whether it was bigger. I doubted everything about myself. Everything that I knew about myself. I decided that if one person thought I was 'strange' then he wouldnt be the only one. That I didn't deserve to be happy...

And I sank.

And I couldn't face telling my doctor this. Couldn't face telling a counselor.
But I finally told my mum.

Her reaction?
Disbelief (and there would have been hilarity had I not been so upset) that my 'emotionally retarded' ex, who lived life in the strangest, narrowest little bubble had the nerve to say that I was the strange one.
She put my mind at rest like I never thought possible.
But then she's known me longer than anyone, so who else could possibly be more qualified to understand my character - warts and all.
She told me how I've always been the quiet one, shy around people. And how the bullies at school drained my confidence. She understood because she is quiet, shy as well. She made me understand that that is just who I am.

And since then I've been working on one very important thing.
Not making apologies for who I am, but accepting myself for who I am.
Because, regardless of quirks (as I am going to call them) or flaws (as people who don't know what they're talking about might call them) I am fine, just as I am.

And as part of this I decided to take myself in hand.
And I've lost weight. Through 2 different means - Thinking Slimmer got me started and gave me the positive thinking push that I needed, and then The Flat Tummy Club Diet helped me with plans, ideas and tummy workouts.
I've lost getting near a stone. And I look so much better.
But more importantly I feel so much better.
Healthier. More awake. Happier.

Now, ok, I might be going to Italy for 10 days tomorrow with the lovely man (OMFG!!!!! EXCITED MUCH!!!) And I might be eating pizza, pasta and icecream. And I might be drinking my own body weight in Prosecco. So I ~~definitely~~ probably ~~will~~ might put some of it back on. But it'll go again when I get back. And now I can go on holiday feeling happy and confident and have an amazing time*.

So after feeling so terribly low, I've realised again that I can work through these things. And it may well come back. May well hit me again. But I will just work through it again. Because I can.

And right now? I'm doing just fine :)

*Once I've thinned down the 17 dresses I was trying to take (how do I even own 17 dresses?) and packed. And probably unpacked and re-packed. But hey, its not like I'm going tomorrow... Oh, wait... *runs off to pack* ;)

Silent Sunday

2011-07-24T20:42:00.000+01:00

Silent Sunday

2011-07-17T08:21:00.000+01:00

Silent Sunday

2011-07-10T10:34:00.000+01:00

Revelations, realisations and balderdash.

2011-07-03T10:37:00.000+01:00

After a series of posts trying to analyse what is wrong in my life and what I need to change, its suddenly hit me...
Sitting right here on the sofa this morning I realised something so simple.

I have GOT to stop being so hard on myself!

Which is very different to where I was yesterday...

Yesterday I stood in the shower and sobbed.
I felt depression washing over me along with the water.
I cried and cried. And sank.
And I decided that I didn't deserve happiness.
Didn't deserve the things I've always longed for - love, marriage, children.
Decided that I wasn't married and didn't have children because I wasn't meant to have.
Because I was weak.
Because I wasn't strong enough to cope with these things.
Because it wouldnt be fair to inflict myself on a husband or children.
That no-one deserved to have to put up with me for the rest of my life.
That my bouts of lowness (possibly depression) would be too much for them.
And that this was God's way of telling me that I mustn't inflict myself on people.

This was a horrific revelation for me.

I've always through that I'm not there yet because I wasn't willing to settle for anything less than the man I truly felt I could spend my life with. That I felt I could raise a family with.
And then yesterday, standing in the shower, I decided that it wasn't this, it was my inability to be a wife or a mother that had stopped me getting to that place.

A sense of tragic realisation washed over me.
And acceptance.
To me, this suddenly became fact.
And something I had to just accept.
I was never going to be happy. Never going to be loved, get married, have a family.

And then he came home from fishing.
We had fish and chips, watched a fairly depressing film (The Breakup not a good idea), I cried at the film, he smiled at my soppiness and we went to bed.
And as we lay there, me thinking that this was going to end too, he held me close. He kissed me, was tender with me, and just loved me. Simple as that.

And then I realised that my earlier revelation was quite simply rubbish.
Balderdash.
Bollox.
My mind playing tricks with me.
A symptom of me being quite low at the moment.
And simply not true.

I DO deserve to be happy.
I have a huge amount of love to give.
And I give it in bucket loads.
I'm a good girlfriend.
And I have the potential to be much more. Maybe. One day.

And I realised something else...
I've been ill. I mentioned it in a post last week.
Headaches. Extreme tiredness. Vivid dreams.
Plus problems with my weight and food. Nausea.
Muscle aches. Feeling weak.
I went to the doctors on monday and she did blood tests - looking for anemia, problems with my thyroid medican. And I really hoped that these would show something.
But they didn't.
And now I realise that I knew they wouldnt.
(Ironically, this week I got myself so worried and run down that I did get ill as well - stomach bug and a cold, but these were because of how run down I've got)
And now I realise that it is very likely that there is an obvious explanation for the symptoms I listed...

These are physical symptoms of my feeling so low.
I hesitate to use the word depression.
I don't want to self diagnose. Or label myself.
Because if I do that it may not be possible for people, or me to see past that label.

So this is the thing.
I suffer with my moods, my emotions.
I get low.
I feel myself sink.

This is part of who I am.

But what I am not going to do is start taking pills.
I've fought it off before and I can fight it again now.
I am strong enough.
It just took me a while to realise it.

I'm back at the doctors on tuesday.
I may or may not talk to her about this.
But I will deal with it my way.
And a big part of that is what I started this post with...

I deserve to be loved.
But I also need to love myself.
And...

I have GOT to stop being so hard on myself.

Silent Sunday

2011-07-03T09:08:00.000+01:00

Changes?

2011-06-26T16:24:00.000+01:00

This is part of my major thinking thing.
Evaluating. Making changes.
And this is what I wonder...

Why can't I just let myself be happy?

There is no reason why I shouldn't be.
I have a good job - albeit one that far too often takes over everything.
I have an amazing family. And I have the most wonderful man in my life.
And I could say so much more about him, but that's not for now.
And also, that's not for here.

But I've noticed that regardless of all the good things, I'm still down.
I've been accused of being miserable.
Which I'm not.
Or at least I shouldn't be.

But I am tired.
All the time.
I'm tired and my head hurts.
And I dream.
Vivid dreams.
And without meaning to be, I find myself miserable.
I think it's because I'm tired.
At least I hope its because I'm tired.
But why am I so tired all the time?
I shouldn't be.
So off to the doctors tomorrow to try and get some answers.

But this isn't the only thing that I've realised.
Nor is it the thing that bothers me most (although it probably should be).

This bothers me more than I've ever been able to admit.
And now I need to let it out.

I always feel that I'm on the edge of things, looking in.
Never fully part of anything.
Is this my fault? Do I hold back to much?
Perhaps I'm scared of getting hurt.
Perhaps it goes back to school and all the years of bullying.
Of cold cruelty from so called friends.
Its been like this most of my life, only small pockets where it was different.
Sixth form and uni (once I'd taken down the barriers at the end of my first year) were the only times I ever felt part of anything.
Felt I belonged.

And I hate this so much.
I hate sitting on the edge.
Looking in.
Realising I'm not part of anything.
It makes me so so sad.
Perhaps this is what's making me miserable.

This was supposed to be a post on making changes.
But I realise something as I write it...

What I realise is that I can't change this.
This is me.
This is how it is.
And this is the way it will always be.

This I can't change.
This I have to learn to live with.

Silent Sunday

2011-06-26T10:09:00.000+01:00

Changes - #3

2011-06-23T20:58:00.000+01:00

I've been doing a lot of soul searching just recently. And I realised that things needed to change.
This is my third 'Changes' post.
The others lurk below this somewhere.
Amongst the 'Silent Sundays' are my not so silent musings.
Thoughts. Feelings. Ramblings. And this is number three...

And this one is so simple, but so very difficult.

I need to.
Have to.
Simply must..

Leave the past behind.

But my God is that easier said than done!

I dwell on the past.
I always have.
And its one of my big big faults.

And now, I just cant seem to move past it.

No. Actually thats not true.
I have moved past it, but it keeps coming back to haunt me.

And the worst thing about it is.
I let it.
In fact I seem to almost welcome it.

And its tearing me apart.

My dreams are filled with it.
Vivid dreams.
Unnerving, vivid dreams.

And I wake more tired than I went to bed.
I crave sleep.
I'm desperate for sleep.
Right now I'm completely exhausted.

But my dreams are more active than my days.

Yet I cant shake them.

And I can't stop myself.

But now its time.
I must.

I need to leave the past behind.

Silent Sunday

2011-06-19T09:02:00.000+01:00

Changes #2

2011-06-13T17:40:00.000+01:00

Following on from this post last week, this is post number two in my series of things I need to change.

There is so much going on in my head right now, but this I am going to keep short and sweet - or short at least...

I cannot feel responsible for the choices other people make.
And certainly not people that do not deserve my concern.
People that have hurt me, used me, broken me.

I need to understand that I cannot worry about them anymore.
Cannot care what they do with their lives.
They are not my responsibility.
They do not deserve my concern.

I need to focus on the people that matter in my life, not those that don't.

My family, my friends, and the man I love - these are the people that matter, not the people that lost the right to a place in my life, my heart.

Silent Sunday

2011-06-12T09:37:00.000+01:00

Changes...

2011-06-09T21:47:00.000+01:00

I feel I am at a very strange place right now. Everything feels a little odd.
I feel as if I'm on the brink of something but that it is just out of reach.

And I am unsettled about many things.
So much so that things like black cats sitting staring into the lovely man's window at night, and crows attacking my classroom windows (seriously) have really freaked me out over the last couple of weeks.

So many things are bugging me, niggling at me.

So I've decided.
I need to tackle some of these things, for my own sanity.
And I need to make some changes.

If I try and write about them all at once, or even think about them all at once, I think my head might explode.
So I'm going to take them one at a time.
Get them out.
And make changes...

So number one...

Guilt.

I need to stop feeling guilty about, well, everything!
I spend too much time feeling guilty.
It stresses me, it upsets me, and its messing with my life.

It has to stop.

I cannot be all things to all people.
I simply will not stretch in all those directions.
But I feel guilty for not being able to do everything for everyone.
I feel guilty if I feel like I am letting people down. But I am going to reach breaking point if I carry on feeling like this.

Several things have bought this to my attention.
Some of them I'm not going to go into here. I can't. I don't want to make things worse. Cause trouble.
Some of them are very current and very close to home, and I am struggling with them a lot.

But possibly the most ridiculous happened to me on Saturday, and this I am going to talk about.
Possibly because I need to and possibly because it highlights how ridiculous this is getting.

As I was shopping in Sainsburys I saw the person who nearly ruined my life, my career everything 5 years ago. The last (and only other) time I saw him was about 3 years ago. I'd just come back off a life changing holiday, worked through some of the horrific crap that he'd put me through and I probably (definitely) let him off lightly. He will have gone away from that encounter with a weight lifted from his shoulders because I didn't give him hell, didn't yell at him, didn't tell him what a complete fuck up he'd made for me. Didn't tell him about the counseling I'd been through, the near nervous breakdown. Let him off far too easy.
And standing in Sainsburys on Saturday, I couldn't deal with him. Not there, not then. I didn't want to do it again. I hadn't the energy. Nor the inclination. I couldn't deal with him. So I turned back to the pancetta and pretended I hadn't seen him. And I get the hell out of the store as quickly as I could.
My exact throughts at the moment I saw him were 'I cannot deal with you right now'. And actually, why the hell should I have to after everything he put me through.
But a huge part of me felt guilty. Guilty because I couldn't lift that weight from him again. Couldn't put on a fake smile and pretend that it was all ok and didn't matter.
And, well, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT???????

So. Guilt.
Appears to be something of an issue for me.
There are so many things right now that are adding to this.
And it needs to stop.

I am only one small person.
I'm building a life.
And I cant be everything for everyone.

Somethings for most people yes.
Sometimes more things for some people.
But there is only so much of me to give.
And right now I'm stretched to breaking point.

So people are going to have to understand and take me as I am.
Please.

Silent Sunday

2011-06-05T09:36:00.000+01:00

Dear so and so...

2011-06-03T11:21:00.001+01:00

I haven't done one of these for a while. But here goes...

Dear half term,
Where did you go?
I'm grateful and all. I needed you to recharge. But seriously...
Where did you go?
A little perplexed
C x

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear last half term of my first year in my 'new' job,
Go easy on me, ok?
Its been a bit of a roller coaster.
Definite highs. Definite lows.
But now it would be nice for the home straight to be nice and straightforwards.
No nasty surprises please. A nice easy half term...
Ok?
Ta
CBa

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear A,
Thankyou. Thankyou thankyou thankyou.
For everything. For all the things you do, big and small.
When I think of you my heart still skips, and I can't help but smile - its a natural reflex with you.
You are a truly good man. You've made my life... I was trying to think of an appropriate end to that sentence, but actually that's all it needs to say - You've made my life.
And wherever we are going, whatever paths we walk down, I will always be eternally grateful, for you, for your love, and for being able to love you too.
Yours
C xxxx

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear Italy,
Rome. Venice. Lake Garda.
I can smell you. You're just around the corner.
And I am soooooo excited!
A and I. 10 days. The most beautiful country in the world.
See you very soon
Ciao
Bella Cassandra xxx

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear R,
You have no place in my life. Get out of my head.
You don't even deserve a big font. You're small. Insignificant.
Its bad enough that you caused me to write a post earlier this week. And I hate that.
So I've asked the question I had to ask. Now tell me the truth and f*** off out of my life for good.
You have no place in my life.
C

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Now head over to Kat's blog to join in and read other posts :)

Haunted

2011-05-31T13:46:00.004+01:00

Why are you still here?

Why do you still bother me?

What are you doing cluttering my head?

You do not matter now.

I do not love you, do not care.

My heart belongs to another.

A man infinitely more worthy than you ever were.

But still you bother me.

I know what you are now.

I know what you are capable of.

What you do.

Did you do it?

I know you did after.

But what about before?

This is why you haunt me.

Did you do it?

Did you cheat?

Did you?

You haunt me because I just don’t know.

The truth.

It shouldn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter.

You don’t matter.

Not at all.

The man who has my heart is a good man.

Kind. Loving.

Honest.

The things you never were.

He has integrity.

Courage.

And I love him completely.

But what you are.

What you did.
And what you probably did.

Haunt me still.

Silent Sunday

2011-05-29T10:16:00.000+01:00

Silent Sunday

2011-05-22T10:47:00.000+01:00

Silent Sunday

2011-05-15T09:25:00.000+01:00

Silent Sunday

2011-05-08T09:33:00.000+01:00

Five

2011-05-02T17:58:00.000+01:00

Five years.
Five years ago you turned my life upside down. In the worst possible way.

Did you even think for a second what effect your sick, selfish act would have on me?
On the others?
Did you even care?

Of course you didn't.

And what you did spoiled my world. You made it dirty.
You took so much from me.

Your ruined everything.
My career.
My relationships.
My rose-tinted view of the world.

And most tragically, me.
You ruined me.
You took my life.
You shook it to the very core.

You stripped away every last shred of self-esteem that I had.
Every little bit of self-worth.

And there wasn't much there in the first place.
But what I did have was comfort and optimism.
Perhaps it was naivety.
But it worked for me.

And you took it all away.

A year ago today I blogged that I wanted my life back.

And now?

It comes and goes.

I have days, weeks even, where it feels like I'm clawing back some control.
When it looks as if things could be good for me.
I finally walked away from that place, to a new job, new start.
I have an amazing guy in my life - kind, considerate and loving like I never thought possible.
And these things could be so good.

But then...

Back you come.
Back to try and ruin it all again.

I doubt myself.
I feel fragile.
I feel like I'm living on a knife edge and any minute I could fall right back off again.

But you know what?
I will not let you beat me.
I will not let you ruin the rest of my life.

And I can beat you.
Because the one thing you did give me is strength.

Often it doesn't feel like it.
Often it feels like I have nothing at all.
But if other people can see it in me the it must be there, right?

So here, 5 years on, I will not let you dictate my life to me.
You will not win.
You simply can't.

I'm better than that.

Fragile

2011-05-01T17:38:00.000+01:00

It's that time of year...
Is it 5 or 6 years? Sometimes I forget... But not for long.
It's 5.
5 years tomorrow.

And when I think of it I question... everything. But mostly myself.
And I question my strength.

A said last week that I wasn't fragile. That I couldn't be having come through, fought through, what I have. But in truth I do not feel strong. Often I just feel fragile.

1/5/11

Like one puff and it could all blow away.
Like I could blow away.

Tomorrow I will evaluate. And maybe I'll find that strength again.
But for now fragile seems to fit.

It's that time of year.

Silent Sunday

2011-05-01T09:47:00.000+01:00

Belonging

2011-04-25T13:31:00.000+01:00

Do you ever wonder where you belong?
If you belong where you are right now?

What if you are in the wrong place.
On the wrong path?

Does it fill you with panic.
Keep you awake at night?

Do you worry that you might be wrong about it all.
That what you are feeling isn't real?

Or that other people aren't in the same place as you.
That all of this isn't as real as it feels?

That you're walking on a tightrope.
Scared of doing something to break it all?

Terrified that it all might come crashing down around you?

Yeah... That...

Silent Sunday

2011-04-24T11:32:00.000+01:00

The Gallery - My blog

2011-04-19T21:17:00.001+01:00

This week's theme for The Gallery - My Blog. Tricky.

So this week I'm keeping it simple.
Because that is how and why I started this blog.

I started it for me. Because I needed help and I didn't know where else to turn.
I started it to get me through some very dark times.
And it has done.

I don't need it for that reason as much anymore, but it's still here when I do.
There are times when I sink back again, and those are the times I write my most personal, most heartfelt posts.

Because that is what I do it for. To help me. When I'm at my lowest.
To find the surface again.
So that's what I'm doing here...

Surfacing.

Now head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts.

Q’s and A’s

2011-04-19T12:06:00.003+01:00

I’ve been tagged in this Q and A meme (after volunteering myself in a moment of madness or desperate work avoidance) by the very lovely Kailexness. This particular one originated from Kerry Jean Lister and is based on The Guardian’s Q&A feature .

I do like these Q and A type memes as they give me a focus for my blogging, rather than the random ramblings I usually come out with. The problem with these things is that I'm not very good at picking one definitive answer (which will probably result in rambling afterall). But hey, its my blog, so if I want to ramble and/or put more than one answer then I can, right? ;)

Which living person do you most admire, and why?

Two of my closest friends (they know who they are, I hope) - two people following their, very different dreams. I admire their strength, their talent and their perseverance. They work so hard and truly deserve success in their respective fields. And more than anything I admire them for perusing their dreams - I wish I had even a fraction of their courage.

When were you happiest?

It is hard to pick one moment but 3 jump to mind so I'm listing them all. Is that cheating? Don't really care if it is...

When I was in my 3rd year at uni - I was settled and surrounded by music and by lovely people - who to this day are some of the best friends I have ever had. I miss them terribly, but when we meet up its still as if no time has passed, we're exactly the same together now as we were then. Which is awesome.

When I was in Venice - I was only there for a few short hours but I have never felt such peace, and such a feeling of belonging. It felt like I had come home. Crazy but true.

And this year I am going back to Venice, not alone this time, but with the man I love - the man who knows how much returning there means to me. Which brings me to now... I am happy now. I seem to be in a very good place right now. And I seem to be sharing my life with a very good person. I'm starting to understand myself and this is a fantastic feeling. For the first time for years I'm excited about what the future holds.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

I honestly don't think I can find an answer to this. Mostly because I embarrass so so easily! I am painfully shy and do not cope well with new situations. I hate speaking in public and I can guarantee if I'm made to do so I will jumble or fluff my words and generally make an idiot of myself.

Aside from property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought?

Apart from my car (which wasn't even that expensive) it would be my macbook or my SLR and zoom lens. Both of which I adore :)

What is your most treasured possession?

My photos -I've always taken photos and they are my memories, a visualisation of my life.

And various bits of inherited jewelry - some of it very beautiful and very me, others that I would not particularly choose to wear but that I treasure deeply.

Where would you like to live?

Italy. Italy is my spiritual home. I love it. I'm at peace there. It is home. But I'm pretty sure I will never live there - perhaps in another life.

So, more realistically, by the sea. The sea always lifts my spirit, makes me feel like. It's good for the soul. The thought of waking up and seeing the sea every day is a beautiful one.

What’s your favourite smell?

Baking - I love the smell of baking. It reminds me of being a child and coming home from school to the smell of my mum's cooking and particularly baking. I was very very lucky to have my mum at home when I was a child. And I'm also lucky that she passed her love of baking on to me. It's one of my favourite things.

And the smell of a freshly showered and groomed man - mmmm, you can't beat that! ;)

Who would play you in the film of your life?

Julia Roberts. Or Sarah Michelle Gellar - but she'd have to lose the blond, cus that's just not me!

What is your favourite book?

I love Margret Attwood's books - Cats Eye and The Robber Bride particularly.

And The Glass Blower of Murano by Marina Fiorato - A fantastic story set in two ages in my favourite city. Love it.

What is your most unappealing habit?

I should probably ask other people to answer this! I'm not sure...

I sniff a lot (allergies and sinus problems) but I don't know if this is unappealing or just annoying.

I also pick at and scratch my spots - which just makes them worse and annoys the hell out of me.

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
I've not done fancy dress since I was a child. And the thought of it kind of fills me with dread... But I guess I'd probably go for something simple like a Grecian Goddess or an angel... Perhaps. Not really sure.
(Although, like Kailexness I have always wanted to go to the Carnevale di Venezia. I would love to take part in the heady extravagance and mystery of it all. Maybe one day).

What is your earliest memory?

I don't have any particularly early memories. I lived much of my childhood in my own little fantasy world. I do remember being Penelope Pitstop, but being me, not so much... I remember falling off the curb walking round to a friends house after my first day at school. Is it wrong that I have no earlier memories than that?

What is your guiltiest pleasure?

It used to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I guess I had to grow out of that sometime... So now it would be Holby City and Twitter. And alcohol. The fizzier the better ;)

What do you owe your parents?

Everything. Seriously. They have given me so much - still do. They are always there when I need them. And have taken me back in far more times than they probably should have. I live with them at the moment (moved back in about 4 years ago after splitting with my then fiance and having to sell my house) and I'm sure most parents wouldn't have put up with me as long as they have. And most of the time we get on just fine. We have our moments, but I love them and I am eternally grateful for all they have done for me.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?

Anyone who I have hurt in the past. It will never have been my intention. Hurting people is the last thing I would want to do. But I have hurt people along the way, sometimes I'm selfish, I let my heart rule my head, and I don't always handle things in the best way. And I am sorry for that.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

I don't want to give a 'who' as I don't want to tempt fate right now. I've been wrong too many times in the past, but needless to say, right now feels pretty good ;)

So in terms of 'what' it would have to be music. Music has been a bigger part of my life than anything else. At times I have had a very much love-hate relationship with it. Often I still do. But of all the things in my life I cannot even contemplate my life without it. The emptiness would be unbearable.

What does love feel like?

Like clouds. Light, airy, fluffy, beautiful. It drifts through you - your body, your soul, your very being. It leaves you breathless. It feels like you're floating, flying. Defying gravity.

What was the best kiss of your life?

I honestly don't think I know the answer to this! And that's not just me being a cop out, I really don't! I've had some positively dreadful kisses (the guy in Italy who literally sucked my face and left me with a bruised lip springs immediately to mind... *shudder*) but I've also had some amazing ones. I love kissing and I love being kissed. I've had some amazingly passionate kisses, and also some beautifully tender ones. And while the really passionate ones are great, I guess the best of all are the ones when the man in question looks at you with total adoration in his eyes, cups your face gently in his hands and then kisses you tenderly, beautifully... In which case I would have to say right now :)

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

'To be honest...'

'In all fairness...'

And at work 'Which part of the word quiet do you not understand?' (I know, I know)

*Groan*

What is the worst job you’ve done?

In the summer after my first year at uni I worked in a factory that made lenses for Specsavers. It was vile! And so hot and sticky. And they had to ask me to wear something less revealing (I was only wearing a regular normal vest top thing, nothing ott) because the men kept looking down my top - I kid you not.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?

Blimey. Um... People say you should never wish to change your past because this is what shapes you. But bugger that, I wish to God I had never bought a house. It was the biggest mistake I ever made and it cost me dearly. I also wish I hadn't always been so quick to give my heart, myself, to bad men.

What is the closest you’ve come to death?

I honestly don't think I ever have... So far... *Touch wood*...

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Getting through the hell that happened to me at work in 2006 - Keeping going. Not falling apart. Building a bigger and better department. And most importantly, keeping my integrity.
And finally, last year, walking away with my head held high.

When did you last cry, and why?

I cry lots. It doesn't take much to set me off! I guess I'm a sensitive little soul. Or possibly just a wuss. I cry at films all the time. I cry if I see something sad or uplifting on the TV. I cry if I think I've upset someone. I was teary last week when I went out for lunch with my mum - had a couple of glasses of wine and was chatting about life and next thing I know I have watery eyes.
Last night a good friend emailed me a copy of the sheet music for a song he'd recorded earlier in the day. A song based loosely on some (pretty crappy) words I'd given him a few months back. A song based on my experiences with my ex last year. He'd made something very beautiful out of something very ugly. And even though I have no piano here so couldn't play it thought, they words touched me and the tears came. But this time they were not tears of pain and anger for what my ex did, they were tears of happiness because I'm not there anymore. I've moved on. Got through it. And am happy at last. And those are the best kind of tears.

How do you relax?

I'm not good at relaxing. I feel guilty. Feel like I should be doing something worthwhile. But I'm trying to get past this. Trying to teach myself that relaxing is worthwhile. It's something I need to do. Its' important for my wellbeing. I'm just not very good at it. Yet.

I guess I'm most relaxed when I'm reading.

This is the only time I switch off from everything else. And its not often I can do that. Listening to music does not relax me, because I listen to the music and that is not relaxing, that's effectively work of sorts. Internet/twitter etc do not relax me, they make me think far too much, switch my brain on rather than off.

But reading is proper escapism. I love it. And it does relax me. So I need to do more.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

My own house. Which sounds really selfish and materialistic. But it really would.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

That the difficult, cruel things that happen in life really do make us stronger. But also that I think that that sucks. Big time.

And to always be true to myself. Regardless what people think. But that is easier said than done...

Now for more tagging…

Lots of people have done this already but I've still got a few to tag (who may or may not have already been tagged, sorry if you have!)

The lovely Ellie - Insomniac Mummy, Kirsty - Imperfect Pages, and Livi - Livi's Little Bubble - I'd love to hear their answers :)

Also the lovely and talented Chris over at Confessions of a Composer - I know he won't have time to do it for a while because he's in the middle of a very exciting project, but when the dust settles maybe he'd like to share his answers with us too :)

Who am I?

2011-04-18T13:58:00.000+01:00

I've been bothered a lot recently by this question.
Who exactly am I?
What is 'me'?

And I've realised recently that there is a big difference between who I am and who I think people want me to be. And I've been fighting with myself over this for a long, long time.

When did I start to realise this?
A few weeks ago when I was standing in a posh deli in a posh village on my way home from work. Standing there feeling intimidated, and inadequate.
Why?
Because the lady infront of me in the queue was exactly the person that I have been trying to be, because that is who I think people expect/want me to be.

So who was she?
She was about my age. Slightly taller than me. Thinner. Perfectly hi-lighted hair. Cut glass accent. Perfect clothes, that looked like they were from Jigsaw or Hobbs. Immaculate. Well groomed. Buying huge amounts of expensive, ready prepared food for a BBQ. Clearly well off, very probably did not work herself (due to the time of day). Possibly a yummy mummy, but if not most definitely a yummy, married, 30 something.

And I stood there feeling completely inadequate.
As if I had less of a right to be in that deli in that village buying my meat for the weekend.

And why exactly is that???

Because I've been trying to be that person most of my life. Trying and failing.

I've tried to mold myself in that image. Tried to find the people that would help me be that person - men especially. I used to only look for 'professionals'. Post graduate degrees, good jobs, blond hair, blue eyes, smart dressers. But I found out the hard way that most of these guys only wanted to be found if they were out for one thing. Oh yes, I found this the hard way - at the expense of my heart and my self esteem. And I found this out at the lowest point in my life, which made it even harder. These men left me with issues - self worth, sex, image to name a few. They left me hurt and confused. Perhaps all the more so because I thought I was going down the right track to get to where I wanted to be, to get to who I wanted to be. Or at least thought I should be.

My brother said to me a few months back (after finding out that A had a double-barreled surname, which is actually just because he used to be married) - 'You should be with someone who is double-barreled' Meaning that he thought I needed someone with old school class I guess. This comment really bugged me.

And this was what popped back into my head when I was standing in that deli, my self esteem taking a huge tumble yet again.

But since then I've been thinking a lot, not about who I feel I should be, but about who I am.

One of the reasons I am finding this easier to do now is because A makes it easier. Because he accepts me for who I am, which is something very new for me. He never judges, does not try to change me, likes my little quirks and tells me that I am beautiful, gorgeous and sexy. If I'm honest I've been finding this hard - I'm not used to compliments. And I'm used to being belittled, told I'm strange. I'm used to negative comments about my hair, my clothes, my shoes. And I still expect them. But they don't come - quite the opposite infact. And that is very new and different. But I'm learning to like it.

And, partly because of this, I'm learning about me. I'm learning to accept who I am. I'm not the lady in the deli, and I never will be. Last week I dyed my hair very red. And when it fades or the sun lightens it it will have a definite pink tint to it. And I like this. This is me. I will be bringing the maxi dresses and skirts out this summer. And I will wear them with whatever I like on my feet. And whatever jewelry I see fit. Because this is me.

I made a choice when I was at sixth form. I could have gone down two routes. One was the academic route - I could have studied law, or politics or theology (probably law). And maybe if I'd gone down that route I would have been very different now, perhaps I would have been more like that lady in the deli. But I chose a different route - I went with my heart and my soul, because that is who I really am. I studied art and literature and music. And then, when I decided to go to uni, I went to a very bohemian Arts college in the depths of the Yorkshire Sculpture Park, because that is who I am.

Now I teach music, which at times stifles me. But I have to find ways around that, ways to still let my creativity live. Because that is who I am. I have started playing more, I'm learning the guitar, I'm doing more singing. Because my confidence is growing a little, and because these are the things I love. This is who I am.

I read - for escapism. Sometimes I write. I used to write poetry, was even published when I was 18, but now I don't have the discipline I used to, so I tend to blog instead. Or write bad lyrics to songs I know I will never compose, because that is something I am particularly bad at. I used to paint. My style was very abstract (unsurprisingly) but I liked it, and so did others. But finding the time for that is near-on impossible nowerdays, although I might have a go again in the summer. So now I take photos instead. In fairness I always took photos, I often used to paint what I'd taken. But perhaps nowerdays I like the photos better. And I get a huge amount of pleasure from this. Not because I want to do anything with it, but because it is something that I can do for pleasure. For me. And it is another way of focussing my creativity. I'm starting a new photography course next month, by means of focussing me further, and helping me to understand what I do, rather than just relying on luck and my eye. Because as well as being creative I like to learn.

I used to think that I was the most me when I was at uni. But actually it wasnt. There I was surrounded by music and nothing else. And there is more to me than that. I was the most me when I was studying my A levels. Because then I was surrounded by all of the things that I love - music, art and imagry, literature and writing. And I think these are the things that shaped me into who I am.

And I stifled these things for so long, because the people in my life (mainly the men) didn't like them. Didn't understand them. And perhaps were scared of them.

But I know now that I can't stifle these things, because these are the things that have shaped me and that make me me. These are the things that make me happy. I need these things in my life.

And one of the wonderful things about A is that he understands this. In the short time I've known him he seems to understand me and what makes me tick better than anyone else. He asks me to play piano for him. He likes to hear me sing. He is fascinated that I am learning guitar. And he loves and more importantly encourages my photography - he wants prints of some of the shots I took when we went away for my birthday in his living room, and I will be getting him them for his birthday. These sound like little things, but to me they are HUGE. And I've only recently realised how much they matter.

So... Who am I?...

I am Cassie.
Musician.
Dreamer.
Lover of art, music and photography.
I read. Sometimes I write.
I am a little bit (perhaps a lot) of a bohemian.
I love Italy - and the man I love is traveling there with me this summer, which means more than anyone will ever know.
I drink too much sometimes.
I eat too much most of the time. I
will never be very thin, but I will always have womanly, sexy, curves.
I currently have red hair and love it. I will love it still when it fades and has a pink tint to it.
I am happiest in floaty clothes, although I love my jeans and topshop tops too and I can wear both depending on my mood.
I love unusual jewelry.
I love high heals, but also hippie like flats and flip flops, and again there is nothing wrong with liking both.
I enjoy cooking and baking, and am pretty good at both.
I love doing things for the people that I care about.
I love making people smile.
I also love smiling myself, but do not do it enough - I must smile more.
I can be many things. Who I am often changes with my mood.

I've been through some crap over the last few years. But now I just want to move on and live my life.

I think it's time I was allowed to be happy. That I allowed myself to be happy.

I am Cassie.
And I am surfacing...

Silent Sunday

2011-04-17T09:28:00.000+01:00

The Gallery - Tomorrow

2011-04-13T10:40:00.001+01:00

Tomorrow for The Gallery.

A bugger of a theme. Particularly as it meant that every time I've thought about it that damn God awful song from Annie pops into my head...

"Tomorra, tomorra, I love ya, tomorra..."*

Ok, so those aren't the actual correct pronunciations of those hellishly annoying words, but I've never heard anyone actually use the correct diction on that song, it always has that horrid faux-American twang to it. I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. And Annie my least favourite musical of all time (just ahead of South Pacific and The Wizzard of Oz) It was the least favourite show I have ever worked on, and children appear to want to sing that particular song to death. And it's in a horrendous key to play - 6 flats. Which is fine if you can just vamp the chords along with the band, but if its just you and a basic chords part and then you have to fill in the solo bit in the middle by ear, in concert, in front of lots and lots of adoring parents (and I work in a secondary school for goodness sake)... And did I mention that I hate it????

Anyway, I digress...

So what to do for such a difficult theme? And more importantly, what to do when that pesky song keeps popping into your head?

Well in the end, I'm just gonna have to go with it. Not that horrid bit, but the equally cheesy, yet sugaraliy optimistic

"The sun'll come out, tomorra, bet your bottom dolla..." and all that jazz...

Which kinda ties in nicely with what I want to say at the moment anyway. So I shall take a deep breath, ignore the fact that I hate these words and all that is associated with them, and wallow in their atomistic cheesiness for a few minutes...

I used to be scared of tomorrow. Terrified even.

I'd wake in the night and lie there for hours, turning the fear over in my head. Feeling it eat away at me.

I feared everything about tomorrow, the future.

I feared work, constantly. Feared what it was doing to me.

And I feared that I would never have the things I hoped for - happiness, love, marriage, children.

Sometimes the fear would overtake me. I couldn't see past it.

Those were the times I would cry myself to sleep at night. Or sob in the shower so no-one could hear. Or in the car to or from work.

And you see this is why, when my ex left me last summer I ended up such a wreck - because I could see everything I feared coming true. And watching your greatest fears opening up in front of you is terrifying.

But now? I'm past that.

Don't get me wrong, I still have moments where the fear creeps back in - last night even, I awoke at my old time of 4am, worrying about work of all things (I'm on holiday for goodness sake!) So I told myself just that. I said 'I'm on holiday for goodness sake' and told myself to stop being ridiculous. Because I can do that now. I can deal with the fear much better now.

Why? Because I am starting to accept things. Accept who I am. And accept that what will by will be. I can't continue worrying myself into submission any more. It doesn't always work, but 9 times out of 10 I can bring myself back from the fear and the worrying without too much difficulty....

Because...

(and here comes the cheesy American musical-esque bit)

There will be storms...

But I can get through these.

And at the end of the day, the sun will set...

And each morning it will rise again...

The sun will come out tomorrow. I will keep fighting the fear. And I see a future that has the potential to be bright, and filled with light and joy.

Tomorrow.

*I wonder how many other people had this annoying problem?...

Now head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts.

From people who hopefully were able to get past the annoyingly

cheesy musical thingmy ;)

Me, We and Acceptance.

2011-04-12T15:22:00.001+01:00

Last week I blogged that I needed to blog, but had no time.

I said that "My heart and head are full to the brim - with love, with friendship, with happiness. With concerns, doubts, worry. With a gazzillion things that I want to get out here." But there was no time.

Finally, now I have the time. The holidays arrived and I'm giving myself a couple of much needed chill-out days. And trying not to feel guilty about that. I have a shed load of work to do this holiday, but for now I need a little relax.

So now I have the time to blog. I've inkling to blog for the last few days. But I don't know where to start...

I think perhaps with the happiness. And the love.

Things are so good right now. People regularly comment on how happy I seem. How settled. How contented. And I am. Very much so. There have been moments of complete bliss in my life over the past few months.

Llandudno, my birthday. Bliss.

I'm learning so much about myself. I'm seeing beauty in the world. I've relaxed. I've chilled. And while a lot of this is down to me working through a lot of things, it also has a hell of a lot to do with the person that walked into my life on Christmas eve...

I've blogged about A a little before. But I guess I've skirted around it a little.
This guy is special. Very special. And the way he makes me feel is something very new to me.
I've been in love before. If anything I fall in love too easily, often too soon. But this is different.
A few weeks back he commented that, to him, it felt like 'grown up love'. Something that was new to him too. And perhaps he's right. Its certainly different. More intense, but at the same time more simple.

He's been married. Is nearly divorced. They met young, married young, and then grew up. Grew apart. When we met we were both damaged. Broken by the past. But somehow this fits. We work. And it seems to be that simple right now. For the first time for as long as I can remember I'm not scared. I'm not frightened of my feelings. Of where this is going. I'm not frightened by any of this. And that is because I know he feels the same.
He told me fairly on that he thought he was falling in love with me. The relief on his face when I told him I felt the same was heaven to me.

And he doesn't need to tell me - its there in everything he does...
The was he looks at me. The way I catch him watching what I'm doing - not in a creepy way, but as if I'm the most fascinating person he's ever met. It's there in the little things he does, the things he says. When I arrive at his house, or him at mine, he looks so happy to see me. I get ready for a night up and when I'm done he tells me I look gorgeous - something I'm so not used to. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time, even if I'm sat around in my pjs with bed-head. When I arrive at his there is always a bottle of Prosecco or Pinot blush chilling in the fridge - because he knows they are my favourite. He's hidden the crisps on the top shelf of his cupboard because I'm on lent and he knows I hate being tempted. He took me away to Llandudnow for my birthday, partly so I could have a break away, but also so that I could try out the misty water photographs he knew I wanted to try. He regularly takes me out places so that I can get photos, because he knows it's something I'm passionate about. This weekend he took me over to his Dad's farm so I could photograph the newborn lambs:-

Little Shropshire Lambs

Cuteness

It was such a lovely thing to do, such a delight to get so close to nature. Afterwards we went and sat in the sunshine at a pub by the river drinking cider, and it was such bliss.
He came to see me sing in a concert the weekend before last, even though it's not his thing at all. He came to see me, see what I do, see my other huge passion. And he enjoyed it, which means more than I can put into words.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not naive enough to think that its always going to be this simple. I know if we stay together then things will get complicated. And I do worry about these things. About our differences (although these to me are one of our strong points). About the fact he's been married and might be hesitant to make such a commitment again. About the conversation that we would have to have about children. And, perhaps most crucially in the near future, about the distance between where he lives and where I work.

But here's the crucial thing...
I worry about them, but they don't scare me.
Because I know that if this really is as good as we both think it is, we can work through all of these things. Because if this really is as good as we both think it is we will fight for it. We will compromise where needed. And we will do everything we can to keep this.
And this is why I'm not frightened anymore - because it is not just me, it is we.
And this is something I've never had before.

Please don't get me wrong, I don't need a man to be happy. Although, yes, to get to where I want to get to one day it is kinda important. But for the first time within a relationship I am actually able to be me. Without critisism, or complaint. Without tuts or telling silence when I say, do, or wear something that isn't liked. This guy loves me for who I am. And this is such a wonderful feeling.

My heart is full right now - with love and with happiness. With love for him, and with the start of loving myself - a very new thing for me.

Acceptance is a very special thing.

Me. Happy.

Silent Sunday

2011-04-10T18:21:00.000+01:00

Emergency blog. Emergency blog. Emergency blog.

2011-04-05T19:15:00.000+01:00

Emergency.
Emergency!!!

I want to blog.
I need to blog.
I have so much to say, so much to get out.

But right now there aren't enough hours in the day to fit in everything I have to fit in, let alone the extra things I want to fit in - like blogging, photography, general relaxation...
(Even now, at 7pm I am sneaking the time to write this very quick post (because I think I might explode if I don't) while I am supposed to be working - work that I have to do for tomorrow to be able to teach my year 11's for their exam. My year 11's who learned nothing last year. Meaning I've being trying to cram 2 years worth of learning and coursework into 2 terms since September. *Head. Desk. Repeatedly*)

And this sucks.
And this must stop.

And on top of the distinct lack of time, I am ill. Again.
Sinus infection.
Which I am not taking anti-biotics for because I can't keep pumping myself full of that crap, its not healthy.
So instead I am trying to keep going whilst generally having that crap, no energy feeling you get when you've got an infection, as well as the mind numbing pressure headaches that go with it. Which, by the way, are soooo much fun when you are a music teacher. A music teacher who is for some unknown reason teaching the Black Eyed F***ing Peas band parts to all of my year 8 and 9 classes. Guitar, bass, drums, keyboard, vocals. Noise, noise, noise. I don't even like the Black Eyed F***ing Peas. *Head. Desk. Repeatedly. Again*

(Who knows, maybe the *Head. Desk. Repeatedly* thing will clear the sinuses...) pffff!!!

And on top of that my clutch went on the way to work this morning. Meaning more inconvenience, more wasted time, and a lot of money I could do without parting with. My first, horrific thought was that I would have to knock the dream holiday that A and I are planning this summer on the head. And I panicked. And I cried. And I overreacted (as one does with infection and mind numbing head pain). But after slightly more level headed consideration I realise that, yes, I will have to forsake some of the things I wanted to do, possibly a planned trip to London in May, but I will not lose out on the dream holiday because of stupid car crap. That I am determined.

So there we are.

I have so much I want to blog right now.
My heart and head are full to the brim - with love, with friendship, with happiness. With concerns, doubts, worry. With a gazzillion things that I want to get out here.
But there is no time.

So right now, I am just trying to get through the next 3 days without my head exploding. Or imploding. Either of which would make a very unsightly mess and be more than a little inconvenient.
And then, even though I have a mountain of work to do during the holidays (and can I just say, thank the Lord for holidays, cus right now the thought of it is all that's keeping me going) I might, just might finally get time for me.

Me and my blog.

Silent Sunday

2011-04-03T11:14:00.000+01:00

Silent Sunday

2011-03-27T12:17:00.000+01:00

The Gallery - Education

2011-03-22T20:44:00.001Z

This week's Gallery theme is 'Education'.

Um... Yes... Well...
I guess I should to this really...

I'm Cassie. I am a teacher.

My day revolves around education.
5 days a week.
Often more.
In the past it has taken over my life.

But now?
It is my job.
It's what I do for a living.

So here are some snaps of what 'education' means to me on a daily basis.

I'm Cassie. I teach music :)

Beryl...


Beryl was the piano in my classroom at my last school.

Mixing desk - I love a bit of sound engineering!

Deconstructed violin... Obviously ;)

What I do in my free periods! ;)

My Guitar. I'm learning to play...

So that I can teach these to my classes better :)

*****

And a very rare moment of calm. With tea :)

Now head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts :)

Silent Sunday

2011-03-20T09:19:00.000Z

Trees for The Gallery

2011-03-16T21:13:00.000Z

The theme for this week's Gallery is 'trees'.
One word... Fab.u.lous!!
I love trees and am forever snapping shots of them.
Perhaps this is why.

I love the way they change...

The way they can appear sinister...

Gnarly apple tree - Herefordshire

Sinister silhouettes - Shropshire

I love the way they dominate the landscape - make it even.

Sunday landscape - Shropshire

I love the way they can frame a scene, a moment...

Framing the lake - Witley Court

Framing the landscape - Buttermere, Lake District

I love the feeling I get when the sun penetrates the branches...

Peeping through - Witley Court, Worcestershire

Through the treetops - Woodberry Hill, Worcestershire

But above all, I love the simple beauty of God's creation...

The tree.

Tree. Frozen - Stourport, Worcestershire

Now head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts :)

Silent Sunday

2011-03-13T15:09:00.000Z

Fill in the blanks...

2011-03-12T11:54:00.000Z

The very lovely Kate at The Five F's Blog tagged me in her 'Fill in the blanks' post. So now it's my turn. And I'll admit, I've found this harder than I though I would. I've been very honest

I am .....

Cassie.

Musician. Teacher. Dreamer. In love with Italy.

But, more importantly, right now I am learning who ‘Cassie’ really is. Because ‘Cassie’ got lost somewhere along the way. Things happened to me that shouldn’t have, things that were out of control. Work took over my life. The emotional trauma from what happened there nearly broke me. I had relationships that damaged me. I was made to feel that being ‘Cassie’ was wrong. My most recent ex told me that I was strange. He didn’t like the way I dressed and told me so. Didn’t like the things that I love, that have shaped who I am. Stopped me from doing the things that I wanted – like dying my hair red; he didn’t like red hair so he told me not to dye mine red. And I let him.

But now I’m learning that it’s ok to be ‘me’. I’m finding it a struggle at times. I often stop and question myself – because in the past I had to. But I am learning that the people that matter love me because of me, not inspite of it. And I can’t ask for anymore than that.

The bravest thing I’ve ever done…

I made it through a very difficult time in my life. My life spiraled out of control due to what happened at work in 2006. Ok, so I came out the other side with issues, but I made it through non the less. I was constantly being told that I should take time off with stress, or cancel concerts, tours or events. But I wouldn’t do that, it wouldn’t have been fair, I’d have been letting people down and they’d been let down enough. So had I, but that didn’t matter. Some would say what I did was brave, others would say it was stupid. But it was what I had to do. It was part of ‘me’. I had to pick up the pieces, had to make it right. But in the end, because of what they did, I had to leave. And in some ways that was the hardest thing of all…

I feel prettiest when...

It’s summer. In the winter I feel pale and pasty, I look washed out a lot of the time. But in the summer, when I’ve had some sun on my face, I look more alive, healthier, just better. My freckles come out and I love my freckles – I wish they didn’t retreat in the winter. I guess the sun makes me feel better full stop – I suffer from SAD in the winter, so the summer I guess I feel better in every way – definitely happier. And with happiness comes self confidence and I guess this is why I feel prettier too.

I feel prettier when I'm happy - they do say that beauty comes from within, perhaps this is true.

And I feel prettier when I’m dressed up for a night out – when I put on a dress that shows off my curves, or skinny jeans and killer heals that show off my legs, take more time over my hair and wear a little more makeup than normal and I automatically feel prettier. I couple of weeks back I was out with the lovely man and his friends and we’d sneaked off to steal some kisses at the bottom of the staircase on the way to the toilets in the pub. A group of guys came down the stairs and one of them said ‘lucky guy’. A little comment like that made me feel so nice. The following ‘he’d better stick one in her before she changes her mind’ just made us both crease with laughter :)

Something that keeps me awake at night is…

Worrying. Just worrying. Or sometimes nightmares. I worry about the future, I have nightmares about the past. But not so much as I used to. I know that so much of this is out of my control. What will be will be. But I’m not very good at accepting that.

I still have nightmares about my old job, the people who made my life hell, and about my ex as well. But these are becoming fewer and further between. I am learning to accept that these things happened, they were wrong, and they shouldn’t have. But it was not me that caused them. I didn’t do anything wrong. And that has to be my mantra, without it I would have sunk a long time ago.

And I so still worry about the future, a lot. But I am trying to worry less. Trying to enjoy the here and now and accept that the future will happen, however it is meant to. I was having re-occurring nightmares a few weeks ago, and after looking into them they translate that I am worried about running out of time to do the things I want – namely get married and start a family. So I’m having to accept that maybe it is too late, but also maybe it’s not, maybe there is still time. And maybe I’m on the right path now. Actually, more than that, I know that wherever this path takes me it is the right path.

My favourite meal is...

Far too difficult to choose! I love food, far too much really for a little person. I love a good roast (but not a bad roast). I love good steak and chips with a béarnaise sauce. I love duck, Asian style, French style, Chinese style, in a salad, just love it.

And I adore Italian food (well duh) - sitting outside a little restaurant in Italy, eating their pasta, their pizza, their shellfish, their meat, and drinking chilled Prosecco is my idea of total bliss. And it looks like I might not be by myself this year. And that’s the key, good food and wine need good company to complete the experience. So fingers crossed…

The way to my heart is...

Kindness. And acceptance And it’s only recently that I am understanding how important this is to me. Be kind to me, treat me with respect, accept who I am. It’s that simple.

I would like to be...

Right now I would like to be happy in my own skin. And this is something that I am learning how to do. It’s new. Novel. And I’m not very good at it yet. But I am learning, slowly.

And one day I would like to be a wife and a mother. So much. And I hope it’s not too late.

Above all, I would like to be happy (don’t we all). And right now… I am.

And now I'm supposed to tag other bloggers so that they can have a go at this too. But I think a lot of people have already done it, so I'm a bit stuck on who to tag. So if you haven't done it and would like to please do and pop a link in the comments here so I can read yours too. Although, maybe the lovely, talented (and ridiculously busy) Chris at Confessions of a Composer might like to have a go when he's got a minute ;)

Birthday - For The Gallery

2011-03-08T21:40:00.000Z

This week's Gallery theme is 'One Word'.

A gorgeous theme with so many possibilities! But I knew exactly where I wanted to go with this.
The only thing I struggled with was choosing between two words - 'happiness' and 'birthday'.
In the end I chose the latter...

The lovely man took me away last weekend for my birthday.
He took me to North Wales, Llandudno. And I had the best birthday for years and years for so many reasons.
I don't need to say more, I'm just posting some photos. Some memories.
Moments that will live with me for a very long time.

Happiness.

Birthday.

Now head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts :)

Silent Sunday - A special birthday in Wales

2011-03-06T20:03:00.000Z

When I grow up... Part one - Dreams

2011-02-27T15:39:00.001Z

I turn 33 next weekend.

No great age. No milestone. And I'm not particularly bothered by it.

But coupled with some freaky re-occurring dream analysis (the dreams are re-occurring, not the analysis) it has got me thinking.

What do I want, really want from life?

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I dream a LOT. Always have, but more so at the moment. And while the dreams are always different (and varying levels of disturbing - I'm talking helicopter crashes, plane making emergency landing, coaches breaking down to name a few of the more memorably disturbing of the last week) an ongoing theme is always present - lateness. I am always late. And after two more, very specifically late dreams last night I decided to google my dream theme.

And this is what I got:

"To dream that you are late, signifies your fear of change and your ambivalence about seizing an opportunity. You may feel unready, unworthy, or unsupported in your current circumstances. Additionally, you may be overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions about your future. Time is running out and you no longer have time to accomplish all the things you want. Alternatively, being late in your dream could be telling you that it is better late than never."

(www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary)

To sleep—perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub! - Hamlet

Right...

Um...

Yes...

Well...

In the words of the lovely man 'You can't argue with your subconscious'.

Damn him and his wise words...

There is a lot of change in my life right now, but as far as I'm concerned it's all good. And I've been pretty damn happy the last couple of months. But I guess this doesn't stop the fact that I'm not where I want to be yet. Perhaps it has even highlighted it.

I know that in the past I have felt that 'time is running out'. That I will never 'accomplish all the things I want'. But you know what? I may not accomplish them all. But I still have time to accomplish a lot of them. Right?

So I am listening to my subconscious, but I am taking the 'better late than never' message. Because, well, thats just preferable to all the negative crap that I will not give in to. So I guess I am, in part, arguing with my subconscious. Well I wouldn't be me if I didn't know, would I? ;)

So, what do I want from life?

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I think that might be a whole other post...

Soon...

For now I'm focusing my birthday weekend itself - lovely man is taking me away to the sea. Which means the world to me :)

Silent Sunday

2011-02-27T10:18:00.000Z

Learning

2011-02-22T11:23:00.001Z

I'm learning so much right now.
Learning about myself and about others.

I'm learning that my faith in human nature can slowly be restored.

I'm learning things about myself...
I'm learning that I'm more patient and less selfish than I thought.
Learning that I'm far more chilled out than I realised, and that I like this.
Learning that a smile goes a long way and how good it is to laugh.
Learning that there is nothing wrong with being a little childish and silly, and jumping up and down with excitement.
Learning that I can talk to people and also that there is nothing wrong with being shy around new people - they don't mind and they will make an effort too.
Learning that there is nothing wrong with wanting to do nice things for people.
Learning that the things I do are perfectly normal (whatever that is).
Learning that I didn't do anything wrong.
And I'm learning that there is nothing wrong with just being me.

I'm learning things about him all the time. And he never ceases to amaze me.
Learning how kind he is. How thoughtful. How generous.
Learning how funny he is.
Learning how much innuendo comes out of his mouth when he's had a few, and that I find this hilarious.
Learning how much his friends think of him and understanding why.
Learning how much he loves good food, and loves my cooking.
Learning that he has passion but also compromise.
Learning how honest he is. Honest. Truthful. Real.
Learning how big a heart he has, and that he wants to share this with me.

I'm learning how good it is to share things.
Learning how good it is to sit and chat. Always discovering.
Learning that there is nothing wrong with a Sunday sofa day.
Learning how good the simple things can be.

And I'm learning about love.
Learning how good it can be.
Learning how amazing it can feel when someone treats you well.
Learning how the little things mean so much, the thoughtful comments, the little gestures.
Learning how being told you look amazing, gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, can actually make you feel it.

Learning about the beauty and wonder that comes through being loved, through looking into someones eyes and truly knowing...

I'm learning that something so simple can take your breath away.

Silent Sunday - Just for Jay

2011-02-20T10:26:00.000Z

Silent Sunday - Valentine's Edition

2011-02-13T13:27:00.001Z

The Gallery - 24 hours

2011-02-08T21:41:00.001Z

This week's Gallery theme is 24 hours.
A and I spent a lovely weekend together, with my camera tagging along for the ride.
He usually goes fishing on a Saturday while I work, but we both kept this weekend free for some quality time.
So I'm blogging 24 hours from our weekend. Simple pleasures. But very special.
After a very lazy morning (saturday kitchen and the like) A took me on a little tour of Bridgnorth, through the pretty market town...

We wandered up onto the city walls where there is a gorgeous view over the Severn...

And the Cliff Railway

Bridgnorth Cliff Railway - or the 'up and down train' as I've always known it

Through the 'Castle' gardens with its statues

Sabrina, Goddess of the Severn

I say 'Castle' in the very loosest of terms. The 'Castle' dates back to the 1100's, but is possibly the most ruined ruin I've ever seen. How it's still standing I have no idea - it leans at a greater angle than the Leaning Tower of Pisa!

Castle. Leaning.

After our tour of Bridgnorth, A took me to see the farm he grew up on. A gorgeous spot by the river, which even on a dull day took my breath away.

View from one of the fields down onto the river

River driftwood taken from quad bike

And yes, he took me round the farm on the back of a quad bike :D

We finished the day of with a gorgeous relaxing evening complete with Chinese

And some very appropriate little hearts :D

And that was our simple, but perfect, Saturday. One of the best days I have had for in years.
And because 'technically' I didn't start taking photos until Saturday afternoon, and because it is 'technically' a 24 hours post, I'm also going to sneak in something from Sunday lunchtime too. Feel free to slap wrists, but it does form part of my amazing 24 hours and, more importantly, part of the best weekend for as long as I can remember.

On Sunday, whilst our lunch was roasting, we went on a snowdrop walk around Dudmston Hall. Gorgeous place, really lovely. And A took me there because he'd seen it advertised and thought I might like to get some shots of the snowdrops - thoughtful doesn't even begin to cover it! So I simply have to post a shot from out walk too.

This weekend meant so much to me. I'm learning so much right now.
I'd forgotten how good the simple things could be - a walk, a meal, a potter around town. Cooking Sunday lunch together. Getting 'side-tracked' whilst cooking Sunday lunch. Chatting about music, even though we have broad tastes between us he's made such an effort to find our middle ground. Watching Saturday kitchen. Cooking brunch. So many simple things that mean so much.

It wasn't just 24 hours that was good - right now it's everything. Life is good.

Now head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts :)

Those three words

2011-02-06T23:11:00.000Z

There's been something brewing.
Something big.
I could feel it coming.
A sense of anticipation. Excitement.

Its been rather paradoxical. Because, while I could feel this, there was still a cloud over me. A blot on the landscape. Bothering. Less so in my waking hours, but there at night - hijacking my subconscious, invading my dreams. I hated that this one thing could be tainting what was becoming a pretty damn good life right now. Really hated it. I felt it had no place, no right.
I didn't know how to get rid of it. How to make it go away. So I wrote. I blogged. Anything to get it out. I wanted my dreams back. I felt a little better after, but it was still there lurking.

Then Friday.
Friday arrived. And even through the tiredness, the disturbed dreams, I could feel something. Something changed in me on Friday. For a start I became super-efficient at work. I'd everything I needed to do by 2.30, sat at my desk feeling strangely impressed with myself. I'd left myself with a work free weekend - and that hasn't happened since September! And A had left his weekend clear for me too - he normally goes fishing on Saturday while I work, but not this weekend, this was going to be different. Special. And I think we both knew that.

I left work feeling ridiculously, and inexplicably excited. Had early dinner and drinks with friends which was fab, then headed to Bridgnorth to watch the rugby with A. Great game, good beer, amazing company. And then... he looked at me, a look that took my breath away, and he said it.

And that was it. The cloud lifted.
Everything became clear.
A sense of complete calm. Understanding.

My dreams are my own again.
And there's something else too...

I think they call it happiness ;)

Silent Sunday in Shropshire

2011-02-06T10:41:00.000Z

The Gallery - City Shapes

2011-02-01T20:57:00.000Z

'Shapes' on The Gallery. Tricky.

Lovely man drove me out into the heart of Shropshire to see what we could find. And we, well, didn't. I wanted shapes in nature, but its the wrong time of year for hay bales, no flowers of leaves, infact nothing that spoke 'shapes' to me.

Still, it was a nice drive in the beautiful Shropshire countryside and I did get some a nice landscape or two.

So instead, I'm going back to some shots I took in London this summer. The city seems to speak more of shapes than nature does right now, so here are the 'shapeliest' I could find.

Shapes galore on The Eye.

Warped window in St Martin's in the Field.


Less conventional shapes in Trafalgar Square.

Art Deco angles at the Apollo Victoria.

Now head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts :)

Out

2011-02-01T08:03:00.004Z

Get out of my dreams
Get out of my head
You have no place there.

You lost that right.

You’re a blot on my landscape
A thorn in my crown.

I do not want you.

cb-rh

Silent Sunday

2011-01-30T11:53:00.000Z

Calm

2011-01-29T13:56:00.002Z

Things are settled. Things are good.

Sunset over the Severn Valley. A moment of tranquility

A period of calm in my often muddled life. And I could seriously get used to it.I feel rather chilled. Content even. And its an unusually comforting feeling.

Work.
Work is fine. No drama. No unpleasantness.
I'm working hard but its not my life.
After the last few years its very strange to feel like this at work.

Light breaking through. Taken through my classroom window.

But it's how it should be. My work, not my life.

And my life?
Life is good. Rather good indeed.
I'm often tired, but I'm tired because I'm busy, not because I'm drained from emotional battering, either at work or outside.
I've finally seen past the fog that has shrouded me for so long. I see the way things should be, and how wrong they have been in the past.

So much is good. And I feel like myself again.
Many things came together all at once to cause this - I guess you have to be in the right place for things to happen.
And it all happened at once - its almost too good to be true. I have to remind myself that I do actually feel like this, that its not all in my dreams.
Infact the one of the only things that isnt quite right is my dreams. I still have disturbed, vivid dreams, often nightmares. But I figure my subconscious is going to take a little longer to settle. It's still remembering when things weren't so good, almost afraid to let go incase this isn't really me.

But I know that it is. I know who I am. And I know that right now things are good. My confidence is improving and I'm happy.

Then just as I was starting to get myself sorted I met 'A'. And yes, he's helped a lot, I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But it isn't him that has helped me 'find myself', find this calm. I did that myself. He's helped, but I wouldn't have been able to let him into my life 6 months ago, 3 months ago, even 2 months ago. I'm able to let him in because I was ready - emotionally, psychologically and physically. And it's good to feel like this. The simple things that he does or says makes me realise how wrong things were before. Something as simple as a lazy Sunday morning and a trip out to Sunday lunch is so right and I'd forgotten how good that could feel. He took me to buy him some new fish, and humored me as I named them.

John, Paul and George. Ringo is shy...

While we were buying the fish I spent far too much time looking at the cute rabbits - I always wanted a rabbit when I was a child. And when he came to pick me up the following week he bought me a rabbit because he saw it and remembered how much I like the :)

I can't bring myself to eat it... Yet ;)

Last night I introduced him to my closest friends. It was a really nice evening. And I dont thing any of them will ever realise just how much that means to me! Tonight I'm meeting some of his and I really hope that this isn't the thing that makes the bubble burst. I hope they like me, hope I don't make a fool of myself, or worse, do that awful thing where I cant think of anything to say and just freeze - sometimes shyness is a hell of a curse.
But I'm just going with it and what happens will happen.

And right now I'm just focusing on the calm - and loving it :)

I stopped and shot this on my way from work to A's last night. It's a perfect shot for right now.

Silent Sunday

2011-01-23T21:03:00.000Z

The Gallery - Mother Nature

2011-01-22T13:50:00.001Z

Mother Nature on The Gallery - a gift of a theme. But where do you even start?
There is so much beauty in the world, I see it every day - normally when I'm driving and can't stop and shoot it. I've been neglecting my camera recently, I need to get out, get back to nature, learn how to use my camera properly. And I will, soon.

So how can I sum up mother nature in a few shots?

For me it's all about the skies. The clouds, the sun, the moon. Sunsets, sunrises. And the colours - how can the colours be so different every day? Sometimes vibrant, sometimes subtle, often breathtaking.

These three were all taken in the last 2 weeks, all through windows:

Sunrise through my classroom window - January

View from upstairs window - January evening sky in Worcestershire

Sunrise through my classroom window - January

And the moon... Tuesday night we had the most amazing moon! But I couldnt capture it, partly lack of time, partly lack of understanding my zoom lens, definitely lack of patience. So this is one I took in December on a very cold night instead:

December moon

And while it is the skies that really sum up 'Mother Nature' for me right now, I still find beauty in the little things as well...

This was a very late post for The Gallery.

Now head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts :)

Letters to Lovers

2011-01-08T15:38:00.002Z

Dear A,

I don't know where to start, other than 'thankyou'.
Thankyou for what you have done for me in such a short space of time.

When I met you on Christmas eve in the snow, me dressed like an Eskimo, you concerned that wearing trainers because of the snow would put me off, I was not in a good place. As I walked towards Cafe Nero I saw a cute guy in a nice coat standing by the door. I clocked him, thought 'mmm cute' and then looked for you. It was a good few seconds before I realised he was you. I liked your coat, I liked your style (I didn't even notice the trainers) I liked your smile and I loved the way you put me at ease - even though you were nervous yourself. I enjoyed getting to know you a little over a hot chocolate - you asked questions but didn't question me, you sat and chatted to me but made no assumptions. You kindly said that you'd wait while I changed my faulty camera bag in Jessops and you stood there patiently while I faffed. Then we sat and chatted over another drink. We both ran over our car park time. And when it was time to go you asked me if I would like to see you again, you didn't assume and you kissed me goodbye in a gentlemanly way - no assumptions, nothing too forward.

And I am so glad I braved the snow that day. So glad I decided it was time to take a risk with my heart, because meeting you, spending time with you and getting to know you has been a joy for me. You made my Christmas infinitely better than I though it would be, and I love that you say I did the same for you.
I honestly didn't think I'd be able to let another man hold me, touch me, kiss me. I didn't think I could sit and chat and be myself with anyone. But you have put me completely at ease. You let me be myself and you like me for it. You don't pressure me, but at the same time you tell your friends about me, both of which mean a lot to me. On Wednesday you drove all the way over here so you could see me, even though you weren't feeling well. And we sat in the grotty pub down the road and suddenly surroundings and other people didn't matter. You've opened up about so many things to me, you're honest about yourself and the things in your past, and you made me feel that I could do the same. You listened while I told you and you were totally sympathetic and non-judgemental and later that evening you thanked me for feeling that I could tell you, you said it meant a lot that I was able to do that, and it meant a lot to me too. And you asked me if I would be your girlfriend - you weren't sure if this was the right thing to ask, or if it was the right word, but it was perfect, just so you know.

I want to thank you for making me feel good about myself. For the thoughtful texts - what you sent me yesterday lunchtime meant so much. I love that you think my smile is sexy, I love even more that you like making me smile because of it, and I love that making me smile makes you smile too. You notice the little things - what I'm wearing, my nails, how I've done my hair. You tell me all the time that you think I'm sexy, and you mean it. And you enjoy my company which means more than anything.

We're both fragile. We've both been through a lot. But whatever this is, and wherever it's going, we seem to be good for each other right now. You are a very special person, with such a good heart. There are so many more things about you that I love, like when you start saying something and think it was the wrong thing to say and try and put it right and just keep talking, it's very cute - and so you know, the things that you say aren't wrong at all, you talk from your heart and you tell the truth and that can never be wrong.
Wherever this goes, I just want you to know that you have done so much for me already, and I hope that I can do the same for you too.

And the best thing about this is that I know that everything I have written here I can tell you too.

Thankyou, so very much
C xxx

*************************

Dear R,

I wish you could read the above. Because that, that is what I deserve. It just took me a long time to realise it. The last few months have shown me your true colours, shown me how selfish you are, how cruel you can be. Shown me that just because you love someone does not make them the right person. Shown me that you have some real issues with regard to women. You ground me down, used me, shattered my confidence and broke my spirit. I didn't even realise you were doing it, and I don't honestly think that you did either. And your behaviour over the last few weeks has shown, beyond a shadow of a doubt what a coward you are.

You realised that I had the power to, in your words, 'fuck things up for you' and the things you did once you realised this just showed what you really are. You hate me having that power. You feel guilty about the way you treated me so react in this ridiculous way. You are scared that all it would take is a few words from me to the right people and things would be very unpleasant for you.

But I'm not that person - never have been, never will be. It's not in my nature which if you knew me at all you should know. I thought about it and, I'll be honest, I was very tempted. But I don't need to 'fuck things up for you' because I know you'll do that all by yourself, just by the way that you are. And, more than anything, right now I'm just glad that you're not my problem anymore. I'm glad that I don't need to help you work through your issues. Because I know that you don't want to, you're too much of a coward. You won't open up, let things out, deal with the past or your own failings - you're simply not strong enough. I feel sorry for you, but you're not my problem anymore.

And now, as the new year starts, I wash my hands of you.

The end.
C x*

(*and if you're wondering, the kiss was pity)

Ready

2010-12-28T16:28:00.000Z

After writing a very difficult, heartfelt post last week, a good friend reminded me that this is my blog and I can say what the hell I like on it.

And my God did I need to hear that.

It reminded me that I started it for this reason entirely. To be able to get the difficult things out. Not to seek approval or justify what I am doing. But for me and my needs.

This blog is a selfish beast. But that is what it needs to be.
Yet all too often I find myself worrying about what people think. Worrying about how my actions, my thoughts, my feelings will be judged. And I need to stop this.

Because at the moment, its hard enough dealing with my brain working over time and analysing everything I do, without worrying about what others will think as well.

So I need to do two things:

1) Stop thinking so much.
2) Stop worrying what others think so much.

But I guess my nature makes these hard things to overcome.

Yesterday I got myself worked up into a hell of a state because I was thinking too much. Worrying about what I am doing, whether its the right thing, whether its too soon, whether Im going to get hurt, whether Im going to hurt others. And then, on top of that, worrying that others would thing badly of me... Yadda yadda yadda, etc etc etc. I was close to tears. I felt I was being a horrible person. And I started to panic.
And then...

Yanno what? Bollox.
Bollox to it.

I cant keep doing that.

So. Here it is.
I met someone last week. Christmas eve the be exact. I'd been chatting to him for a few days (interestingly, he messaged me just after I'd written that post) and we were going to meet for a coffee this week. But on thursday he text and asked if I would like to meet Christmas eve instead. And I really thought hard about it. No idea why a few days would have made any difference, but it worried me. But I braved the snow and went and met this guy. I wasnt nervous - partly because I've done this a few times and Ive learned to just go with the flow, partly because with a first meeting theres less pressure, ie if you dont hit it off you dont need to bother again, and partly because of the blasted snow. I hadnt had my car off the drive for a week. It took me 20 mins or more to get the snow off it, then the traffic was horrific - took me an hour to do a 10 minute drive, so I was late and harassed and pissed off with the damn snow and traffic. And then I had a really nice afternoon. This guy was lovely. And normal. And cute. Good dress sense, nice smile, nice eyes and really easy to talk to. Infact, we both had to go back and put more money in for the car park as neither of us expected to be so long. And he seemed to like me.
Infact he does like me. Poor guy had a burst pipe when he got home, and was really annoyed that he had to spend boxing day fixing it as he wanted to see me again.
And we met up again yesterday. I drove over to his (the distance isn't ideal) and he took me out for a nice lunch and insisted on paying. When I tried to pay my half he said I could pay 'next time' if I wanted. We had a lovely afternoon, got to know each other a little better, and both started to relax - which is something I normally find very difficult. I know he would have liked me to stop the night, but my inner logic thing (and the not wanting to explain that to the parents) stopped me. And he didn't try and pressure me, just made the offer and understood when I said I wouldnt. So I left after a lovely afternoon with the promise of more to come.
He likes me. He wants to get to know me. Wants to spend time with me. Sends me lovely texts. And makes me feel good about myself. And he is really really nice. And cute. And kind.

So why, driving home did I start doubting myself? Because I'm not used to it is why! The more I think about it, the more I realise that R so rarely did anything like this. Only sent me a couple of 'courtesy' texts a day because he felt he 'had to'. Rarely did anything that made me feel good about myself. Quite the opposite infact. If I kissed him he called me 'needy'. He used to look me up and down and then tell me he didnt like my clothes. He called me 'strange'. And in the last few months he has used me and made me feel utterly worthless.

But it was still so strange looking at this lovely guy and seeing the 'wrong' face.
But yanno what, I just need to get over that. Move on, move forward and get over it.

And I've thought long and hard about it. Over the last few months, when I decided I wasn't ready, and then over the last few days. And I needed to make a decision. Do I date a guy who likes me and treats me nicely, or sit here and mope over one who doesn't, never did, and never will?
And I choose the former. Whatever comes of it. I want to have some fun and be appreciated. I wont be made to feel worthless anymore. I owe that to myself. And if a nice guy who enjoys my company would like to be part of my life right now then I'm gonna go with that - wherever it may lead.

And I aim to think as little as possible. Focus on the nice things. Not take it too seriously and not over analyse. Go with the flow. And see what happens.

Yes, I'm fragile right now. My heart is fragile right now. I've been to hell and back over the last few months. But I'm strong enough, deep inside, to know how much I can take.
And if you think its too soon then I'm sorry. But this is what I am doing. And after everything I've been through, how is it too soon? I need to move forward. Need to have some fun. Need to be appreciated again. I know, I need to appreciate myself again as well. And I can do that on my own should I choose. But if someone wants to be here doing that with me I will make no apologies for that. And why the hell should I?

Silent Sunday

2010-12-26T08:07:00.001Z

The Gallery - Love

2010-12-22T09:34:00.004Z

This week's Gallery theme is 'Love'.
And when I read this my heart literally sank.

'Love' is too hard a theme right now. Too raw. But I'm not going into why now. That is not for this post.*

But I really didn't want to miss the last Gallery of the year, so I racked my brains and reached for the camera...

So this is my simple offering for 'Love'.

Crystal dove - my symbol of hope and love.

And I am taking this post, not to mope about what I don't have, or what I have lost. But to be thankful for the things that I do...

My friends and my family - who mean more to me than they will ever know. Who are there, just there. And who never judge, never condemn - regardless of how stupid I am being (which based on yesterday's post is very).

So thankyou, lovely, lovely people, for showing me that there is love in the world. And that there is hope. You know who you are, and please know that I will always be eternally grateful.

Wishing you all a peaceful and joyous Christmas and a new year filled with hope and love.
Yours always
C xxx

And a HUGE thankyou to the lovely Tara for her brilliant Gallery. It has given me a lot of please over the past few months - Thankyou lovely :)

*If you would like to know 'why' then yesterday's post (amongst others) should fill you in.

Now head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts :)

It's the most wonderful time of the year?...

2010-12-21T18:29:00.002Z

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Or is it?

It should be I know. But right now I'm not feeling it.
This is such a hard post to write - but I have to let this out, because it's tearing me apart right now.

So, I'm not feeling it. Why?...

The trouble is, I keep thinking back to this time last year. When things were so good, and I was so so happy. This time last year everything was rosy. I felt I had a wonderful future ahead of me. With the man I loved - the man I had been searching for.

He was gorgeous, to me, totally gorgeous. I've never fancied anyone like I did him. I've never completely loved anyone like I did him. And never really understood what he was doing with me. I always felt he was too good for me. But he was with me and I was happier than I'd ever been. We were good together. We looked good together. It felt good, really good. I was never happier. When I was out with him, I was so proud to be on his arm. And when we were alone and I was in his arms I felt like I finally belonged.
But he didn't. He didn't love me.

The problem is, he never tried. He just assumed that he wouldnt, that he couldnt love. Or was it just that he wouldn't love me? I dont know. But all he saw was our differences, and he saw them as negatives, where as I saw them as positives. He told me when we first started dating that he wanted to broaden his horizons. But that was just lies - when it came to it he hadn't the courage. Hadn't the guts to step out of his narrow, blinkered little life of pubs and shallow friends who live for the weekend when they can get off their faces on alcohol. He told me he didn't want that life, but he hadn't the courage to look past it. Yet when he looked at me I saw it, there, in his eyes. I saw something that he couldn't (or wouldn't?) see. Maybe he was too scared? He certainly had serious hangups about love and relationships. But whatever it was, he did it all wrong.

I don't know whether it was my intelligence that intimidated him. Or my talents. (I don't mean to sound arrogant here, because I'm truly not, but this seems to play a part in the problems). Or my love of things that he didn't understand - and was too scared to try and understand. But he refused to see past that. He put up a barrier and refused, point blank, to work around it.

He treated me badly when we were together. Never took me anywhere, never saw my friends, never did any of the things I love with me. We only went to the cinema twice, the whole time we were together. If we went out for a meal it was invariably because I wanted to, and I usually ended up paying. He never took me to the sea, iceskating, and only ever once to the rugby and that was because his friends invited him and I'd already asked him to come away for the weekend with me.
And maybe, reading this, you think that I'm just a fool for putting up with it. But I loved him. Completely. And I saw a future, and it was beautiful. And to be honest, I didn't see how bad it was when we were together, because all I saw was blinding love - like I'd never felt before. And as far as I was concerned, he was just so focused on what he needed to achieve, his house...

And I was waiting for the time when he could see past that, to me and to our future.

And then I stopped being a pushover and asked for a little back in return. I asked for a holiday. And when I say that, I mean I asked to take him away. I'd saved up, I wanted to take us both to Italy. But he refused, even though he knew how much it meant to me. And then a holiday in Italy got down graded to a long weekend, then to a break in London, then to a weekend in the Cotswalds, and finally a night away. And he refused. And at this point it broke. And he left me broken hearted.

I've never felt hurt like it. But it didn't end there. A month after he left me, we met for a drink and chemistry took over. Strong, strong chemistry, like nothing I've ever felt before. The thing is, for me, mixed with the love I still felt, it was irresistible. And after that first evening, we carried on. Meeting, talking and inevitably getting steamy. I tried to walk away several times, but every time he looked so sad, and said he wanted us to be friends, and then the chemistry took over again. And yes, ok, I'm a fool, I should have known better. But love and lust, together, are a powerful cocktail. And I couldn't resist.

And a month ago we were still doing this. Still meeting. Still texting. Still giving in to the chemistry. I have photos on my phone that he sent me. A month ago. And he knew exactly how I felt about him. But he still did it anyway. Why? Because he 'likes sex'. And 'it was good'. And that is his only justification. If it wasn't so hurtful it would be pathetic really.

But this week he has taken cruel to a whole new level. I can't go into the things that he's done here and now, because it's too raw, too painful. But he has broken me all over again. Made me feel utterly and totally worthless. What he has done is so heartless and hurtful I feel like I don't even know him. What I do know is that he's cruel and selfish, and a coward. And he's doing his damnedest, yet again, to make me feel like I've done something wrong. But on this I know that I haven't. He may be making me feel worthless and many other things besides, but I do know that I am not in the wrong. All I have ever done is give to him. And love him. I gave myself and my heart to him, totally. And he is punishing me for loving him, for caring. And it's too cruel for words.

And unfortunately, what's making this even worse this week is the snow.

Because I'm stuck. Miles away from all the people who would know just what to say to make it better. Or just give me a hug and not pass judgment. I'm having to cancel plans left right and center, which is not what I need right now.
What I need is for the snow to go away. And let me be with the people I love. To drink, to laugh, to cry, and most importantly to try and forget. And maybe in time, be able to move on.

So this is why I'm not feeling it. I can't right now, because all I can do is compare to last year. And that, that is tearing me apart, because the difference from then to now is more than I can bear.

So a plea to 2011 - no more heartache. No more cruel men. No more false hope. What I need is to have some fun. Maybe I need to play the field (and have some fun). And maybe, one day, he'll appear. I just don't know who he is anymore.

Silent Sunday

2010-12-19T11:20:00.000Z

Sparkle. Just not festive. Yet.

2010-12-15T22:51:00.002Z

This week's Gallery theme is 'sparkle'. Cue Christmasy shots...
But...

Tonight I did my first of 5 concerts, a proper, formal carol service at school (scary as hell!). Tomorrow I have my Christmas show. First concerts at my new school - HUGE deal. Seriously. HUGE. I also did the first of 5 formal Christmas assemblies (also scary). I also have concerts on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights (less scary). I have been rehearsing/singing/playing Christmas music since September - it is the curse of the music teacher.

So, please forgive my lack of festive 'sparkle'. For me Christmas starts soooo early that it doesn't really start till after I have broken up. So next week I will be festive and full of the joys of Christmas. For now I would like to burn every Christmas carol ever written... now that would sparkle ;)

So instead I post my first ever attempt at light art with sparklers. Its seriously rubbish, but it makes me smile :) (unlike Christmas Carols...)

I promise more Christmas spirit and sparkle next week... Maybe even at the weekend... Just let me get through the next few days...

Now head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts - with actual festive sparkle :)

Silent Sunday

2010-12-12T11:06:00.000Z

Dear so and so... The one with the personal ad

2010-12-12T11:01:00.002Z

Dear men,
Is it too much to ask for just one of you to be right for me? Seriously? I know I may be a little fussy (ok, a lot fussy) but from experience, when I'm not fussy that's just a big mess too. And why is it that when one of you shows the tiniest hint of interest, there's always a wedding ring? FFS!
So, this is what I'm after, and surely one of you has got to be suitable? I mean, I only need one of you to be suitable...

"Slightly 'strange', creative little soul, slightly battered over the years, wltm...
A guy. Not too tall, but not too short. 5ft 10 should do it. Blondish hair (brown will do), non receding. Blue eyes (will settle for green). Nice looking (Nice ish will do) (no, actually, needs to be nice). Not overweight (definitely not overweight. You should go to the gym. And not expect me to, 'cus that's never gonna happen). Nice arms (I know, thats odd, but I like nice arms). Good dress sense (or willing to let me dress you, thus providing you with good dress sense). Plays (or watches) rugby. Does not like football. Will take me dancing (and will enjoy taking me dancing). Will enjoy music (or be willing to learn to enjoy music) and be willing to take me to concerts/gigs/theatre/opera (non of that Wagner crap though). Will wander through the countyside with me (and put up with me stopping ever 50 yards to take photographs). Will spoil me a little (sometimes a lot) but not smother me. Will let me spoil him a little (sometimes a lot). Is happy for us both to have our independence (when it suits us both). Will make and effort to be part of my life, spend time with my friends, and not look embarassed when they break into seven part harmony when singing happy birthday in a pub (ok, this might be too much to ask ;)). Has friends who will actually bother to speak to me, and who's lives do not revolve around getting drunk every weekend, twice, often three times. Wants to broaden his horizons and will help me to broaden mine. Likes champagne and will buy me champagne (rather than me always having to buy it myself). Is very fanciable. Has chemistry (with me obviously, not just on their own). Is kind. Is thoughtful. Is not grumpy. Will take me to Italy. Often. Is good in bed - this is non-negotiable ;)"

So, there we go... I don't ask much.. Don't see what the problem is really...
Now if you could form an orderly queue...
Cassie (xxx)

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear whoever is in charge of energy and not being ill and stuff,
If you could just get me through this next week I would be extremely grateful.
I've never had a week like the one thats about to start, ever. 6 concerts in 8 days!?! I think I'm even going to have to say no to the one tonight, its just silly.
I have two at the new school. Two. Two different concerts, two days in a row. At a new school. Where I don't know how anything works yet. Where I have to make a good impression. And then there's the 5 Christmas assemblies, where the whole year group are expected to sing carols (cus thats gonna work so well) not to mention include 'quality' performances from individuals and the choir. Then there's the OAP's Christmas party, which no-one has actually told me about yet.
And when I finally get to Friday, I have (lovely) concerts with my new choir on Friday and Saturday, then singing carols in a pub, somewhere in the middle of the Black Country, on Sunday.
So, yeah, I might need a bit of help here... So if you could, just, yanno, stop me from falling over and stuff, that'd be fab...
Slightly desperate, slightly scared,
Cassie

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear gorgeous, lovely, shiny, new camera,
I love you so much. But I'm so frustrated that I haven't been able to get out and play with you in all this beautiful weather. Damn my job. Damn the dark nights. Just Dammit!
I am hoping for gorgeous wintery weather over Christmas so that I can get to know you properly ;) I am also seriously thinking of enrolling on another course, at a better college, in the new year. Because you're worth it ;)
Cass

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear certain people at a place I used to work,
HA!!!! Just that.
Lady B

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear R,
Heartbroken doesn't even begin to cover it.
You had no right.
And I'm so close to hating you right now.
C

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear friends of mine,
Still fabulous, still awesome :D And we are going to meet up over Christmas, right? Right? Because I miss you! And also need to get drunker than a very large drunken thing...
Cassie xxxxx

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Now head over to Kat's blog to join in and read other posts :)

The Gallery - Winter White and Wishing

2010-12-07T20:34:00.002Z

Its cold. Its snowy, frosty, icy. Its freezing. And, much as I hate the cold and the snow and the ice, it is breathtakingly beautiful. I have never seen trees look like they have the last few days.

But, frustratingly, I appear to be the only person I know that hasn't been able to get out and take photos in this beautiful winteryness. I get to work in the dark and leave work in the dark. I stare longingly at the frost covered trees through my classroom window and wish to goodness they'd just close the school already so I can spend a day taking beautiful photos!

So when Tara set the theme of 'white' for The Gallery this week, coupled with everyone's gorgeous wintey shots I was more than a little frustrated. I thought hard about how I could interpret 'white' differently, but for me, right now, its all about the frosty goodness.

So this evening I took my camera into the garden and attempted to get some frosty night shots. They're not a patch on everyone else's lovely winter shots but on the plus side the contrast of the frost with the blackness is quite striking.

So this is my 'white' offering.

I hope that the beautiful frostyness lasts for a few more days so I can get out at the weekend and take some proper pics. I would love a permanent record of just how beautiful it is right now.

So I'm hoping, wishing for just a few more freezing, frosty days...

Now head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts.

Silent Sunday

2010-12-05T16:52:00.000Z

Getting Lyrical...

2010-12-05T16:24:00.000Z

Not ready?

My eyes closed

I see you

I feel you

You’re here

You’re lingering

By me

You’re catching

my tears.

So how can I

Move on?

How can I leave this love behind?

How can I

Turn my back on happiness

How can you be so blind?

You’re holding

The pieces

The shards of

My heart

It’s taking

Its toll now

Us being

Apart.

But how can I

Move on?

How can I leave this love behind?

How can I

Turn my back on happiness

How can you be so blind?

Not ready to

Move forward yet

Not ready to let go

Not ready to

Give up the fight

But cracks begin to show…

Yet how can I

Move on?

How can I leave this love behind?

How can I

Turn my back on happiness

How can you be so blind?

Shouldn’t I

Move on?

Shouldn’t I leave that love behind?

Shouldn’t I

Walk towards my future now

And leave the past behind??...

Dear so and so... The up and down edition

2010-12-05T16:12:00.000Z

Dear snow,
Go. Away.
Or at least if you're going to be here, be here enough to give me a snow day (or two). Could have done with that this week!
Shiveringly, C

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear new shiny choir of mine,
I'm so very proud of you! On friday we braved the cold and the snow. We walked 45 mins down into Worcester (and only one of you slipped on the ice :S) and sang carols in the cold for 30 minutes before trecking the 45 mins back up the hill to school. And non of you complained (much) and you were so well behaved and lovely. And most importantly, in that freezing 30 minutes) we raised over £50 for Acorns Children's hospice. How awesome are you?!?
And thankyou, because this gives me hope for what we could be, one day :)
Very thankful, Miss B x

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear R,
On your facebook you posted "Ive been called John Terry twice this week. Is this a good thing?".
Um, well, let me see now... John Terry is a complete twat, who thinks with his dick and has no respect for women.... So probably not... oh... hang on...
And if you say you'll contact me when you get back from Ghana then you really should.
And also, I'm beginning to think you're a bit of a shit.
I dont think I'm yours anymore, I dont think you have any right to me
C

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear friends of mine,
Still awesome... ;) (And also, one of you needs to get back from Germany safely in this icy weather, please!)
Cassie xxxxx

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Now head over to Kat's blog to join in and read other posts :)

Reasons to Celebrate

2010-11-30T21:16:00.000Z

The theme for this week's Gallery is 'Celebrations'.

My first instinct was that I couldnt possibly do that. Things have not been so good and celebrating felt like the last thing I wanted to do.

But on Sunday I bought a bottle of Champagne from Sainsburys. And on Sunday night I opened it and shared it with my parents. Just because.

And that got me thinking that there are things in my life worth celebrating, inspite of all the crap.

So I have 3 photos that represent some of those things. They are not great photos, but each one means something special to me...


Evenings spent with amazing friends.


				The job. The job I went for and got. The job that has its ups and downs but that took me out of that place.


And Italy. How can one not celebrate Italy? And the knowledge that I WILL be going back this year. Whether its on my own or with someone special, I will be going. And I will celebrate all over again.

Now I am aware that alcohol appears to be a running theme here...
But if something is worth celebrating its worth doing properly - right? ;)

This post was for the The Gallery. Head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts.

Silent Sunday

2010-11-28T17:39:00.001Z

Dear so and so. The 'I had to work late fri so and doing it on saturday' edition

2010-11-27T10:16:00.000Z

Dear Parents,
I will not be taking you to see Harry Potter if you don't start behaving ;)
Yours, ECL xxx

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear place where I do work,
Ok, I'm kinda getting used to you now. You have your good days and your bad days, but generally I think you're probably ok. But working till 8 on a friday? Seriously? Although, in fairness, it was ok and non taxing. But still, ON A FRIDAY?
On another note, I do like being summonsed to the acting head's office (with actual head present) just to check that I'm ok and be told I'm doing a great job. That one of our peri's has been raving about the new head of music in another school to a teacher who happens to be married to the head. And to be told that it all looks fab. And what we're doing for Christmas sounds fab. That they're really pleased with what we are doing and have seen a real change already. Now that made my week better.
Now if I could just get through the next 3 weeks without falling over from exhaustion that would be fab :)
Ta muchly, Miss B (Not quite 'Lady' yet)

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear place I used to work,
I hate the way you treat people. More specifically I hate the way you treat the people I love. Stop it, and get over yourselves already.
Your, (mostly) damn glad I'm not there any more, Lady B

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear whoever's stooopid idea it was to do a night photography shoot on thurs,
Oh yes, I remember, that would be to rubbish tutor man....
You are frickin' kidding me!!! Cold doesnt even begin to cover it. I couldnt feel my fingers and toes. I couldnt actually change the settings on the camera because my fingers were so numb. And then I could feel them again, and OH MY GOD, that was painful! And I didnt even really get any great pics. Stooopid idea. Don't do it again.
Shiveringly, C

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear photgraphy course in Worcester that I might do next year,
Be better than the one I'm on now. Teach me something. That is all. And I might be bringing others with me, so you'd better be good!
Yours in hopeful anticipation
Cassandra

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear R,
****
C :(

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Dear friends of mine,
Wow!!! What amazing things you are doing! The music, the photography, the teaching. I am so proud!
And Thankyou. So much. Just thankyou. For always, but especially this week. For your words, for your listening, for your texts, for your hugs, for your poem (lol!), and for just knowing that you're there and that you care. I know that I'm so lucky to have you in my life!
Yours, more grateful than you will ever know
C xxxxxx

~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~≈~

Now head over to Kat's blog to join in and read other posts :)

The Gallery. Black and White - Town and Country

2010-11-23T20:22:00.001Z

The Gallery theme for this week is Black and White.
This made me grin from ear to ear when I saw it. I LOVE black and white photography - there's something so atmospheric about it and I spent some time over the summer experimenting a little.

I could have bored you to tears with a post full to the brim of photos (mostly mediocre) but I decided to post just these instead.

Two shots.
Contrasting in style and subject.
I quite like them, I hope you do too.

Over the fields in Abberley, Worcestershire - August 2010.

London from Hungerford Bridge - August 2010

This post was for the The Gallery. Head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts.

Silent Sunday

2010-11-21T11:17:00.000Z

Dear so and so...

2010-11-20T14:18:00.000Z

Dear internet dating,

You're fired. I can't do you. There is no point. The end.

Not yours, Cassie.

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Dear fog,
You scare me. More than a little. Driving in you is like driving into the twilight zone, or the road to hell, or something equally freaky. Nothing seems real. Shapes loom out of nowhere. Headlights attached to nothing float through the mist. And it freaks the hell out of me. Seriously. Youre scaring me. Please go away now.
Yours, pretty freaked out...

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Dear annoying children which what I do teach on a thursday P4,

YOU WILL NOT WIN!!!!! The end.

Yours, FAR more stubborn and determined that you will ever be capable of (fact), Miss B.

***************************

Dear photography tutor,

I am sorry, I've been patient, I've tried not to judge, I've waited for a ray of light, but seriously? You are SHIT! My lovely friend Jay could have taught the course infinitely better. Hell, even I could have done a better job. I am glad that we are out on a shoot next weekend because I cant stand another 2 hours listening to you. And also, we're all going to the pub. Probably to moan about you.

Your, seriously unimpressed, Cassandra.

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Dear Canon,

I love your stuff. Like all of it. And I will be buying me a shiny new SLR. I just wish the one I want wasnt quite so expensive... Also could you please help me work out which lenses I need to do what I want?

Yours, a big big fan, with not a big enough pocket, Cassie

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Dear R,

Sort your shit out and realise what an idiot youre being. Now. (Or soon)

Yours, still, C xxxxx

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Dear friends of mine,

I am going to write to you in every one of these posts. Because you deserve it.

You have so much talent, each and every one of you, in many different ways. And I am totally in awe of you! Whether its music, photography, teaching, parenting, or all the other amazing things you can all do. Awe. Total. Lots of :)

And you are always there, often in the smallest way, but in ways that mean so much. You've seen me through so much. You still are. You never judge (at least not openly) no matter how stupid I am being. I wish I saw you more, but the times that I do mean more to me than you will ever know. YOU mean more to me than you will ever know. And I love you for it.

Yours, eternally grateful, Cass xxxxx

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Now head over to Kat's blog to join in and read other posts :)

Before and After - Me and the Music

2010-11-17T21:30:00.001Z

The Gallery theme for this week is 'Before and After'. I loved this theme when I saw it but decided I wouldnt be able to do it this week as I had no old photos to work with and pretty busy week.

Then I was sitting here this evening, playing the guitar (which is bizarre in itself) and I had a brain wave.

Music has always been in my life and more often than not has actually been my life. And right now it's very important to me again. Infact, all things creative are important to me right now - the creative juices really seem to be flowing, be it music, photography, even the odd bit of writing.
And thinking about this I realised that I can do this week's Gallery, albeit cheating slightly and using a photo I already had..

So this is it.. Me and my music - then and now(ish) :)

Me, aged 3(ish), with my first piano...

And me now(ish) (18 months ago on a music department tour to Germany)

Its always been part of me and I guess it always will be :)

This post was for the The Gallery. Head over to Tara's place to see all the other posts.

Dear so and so...

2010-11-12T18:25:00.001Z

As non-ranty as possible... it is friday afterall... :)

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Dear weather,
Um... what the hell??? My car feels like a tenny-tiny tin can when youre blowing all around me like that. Its not nice. Please stop.
Ta
C

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Dear Gap and Fat Face,
Gap - Finally you have an online store! (Seriously, why did it take you so long?) And I think I love you. And your lovely cosy but stylish cords. And your long sleeve t-shirts. Seriously. Love. You.
Fat Face - Your pjs rock. As do your knitted dresses. And hats. And all manner of lovely cool wintery things. I love you also.
I will be warm(ish) this winter because of you. LOVE. YOU. *Mwah*
Yours, eternally grateful for all things cosy,
Cass xx

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Dear Clarins,
I love that I came to see you to buy stuff for my pesky face and you gave me lots of free stuff. Like, LOTS of free stuff. That is very cool. And will make me buy more stuff from you. Which is obviously what you intended, and yes I am a sucker, but, well, FREE stuff :D
Now if your stuff could just do what it says on the labels that would be fab...
C xx

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Dear R,
I'm having dinner with you tonight. I know I probably shouldnt be. But all I want is for you to take me in your arms and tell me you want me back. Tell me you love me. Ask me to forgive you. And I will, in a flash. Because all I want is you. And I cant help this. Because its you.
Yours as always
Cassie xxxxx

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Dear friends of mine,

I don’t know what I would do with out you. Seriously. You probably have no idea just how much you mean to me. But you know who you are and I want you to know how grateful I am, for everything. That I am always here for you too, no matter what. And that I love you dearly.

You have my eternal love and affection

Cassie xxxxx

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Now head over to Kat's blog to join in and read other posts :)

The Gallery - Autumn

2010-11-09T21:04:00.002Z

The subject for The Gallery this week is right up my street - Seasons.

My first thought was to post a photo from each season, but looking through my photos, I have loads of photos for summer and autumn but nothing that really stood out from spring or winter. I think this is due to a combination of circumstances, as well as a new camera and my love of photography really taking off since the summer. So I decided instead to focus on Autumn - because this season has opened my eyes and has been really good for me when things in my life aren't great.

I dont know if this is just me, or if its because my eyes are more focused on beauty nowerdays, but this Autumn seems so much more spectacular that others before it. Ive never really liked autumn, never really saw the beauty of it, but this year it's different. Ever day I'm seeing things, scenes, nature, that are so full of beauty and really lift my soul - and this is so so good for me right now. I think its what keeps me going, gives me purpose. Perhaps makes me think that there is a bigger picture, a purpose to all this. And it gives me hope...

So I'm sharing some of my favourite autumn shots with you. I would appologise for there being too many, but I struggled so much to narrow it down to these. And I want to share with you the reasons this autumn is so beautiful to me.

Firstly the skies over the past few weeks have been amazing...

In the morning:

These gorgeous morning skies kept me going when I was working crazy long hours at the end of October - seeing the sunrise on my way to work and through my classroom window (the second two above were taken through it) and then the beautiful full moon when I left at night:

And the moody skies when storms were brewing and dusk falling were quite spectacular too:

The autumn colours have been simply spectacular this year.
This shot taken in the Cotswalds:

And this through my bedroom window:

Autumn has showed me some magical moments within nature:

And bonfire night - a change to try out some fun photography - great fun :)

So, this autumn for me has been many things.
An eye opener - a chance to see the beauty in the world. A chance to see how stunning my least favourite season actually is. A chance to see the world through my camera. And a chance to play with my camera, learn some techniques, improve my eye and have some fun as well.
Its been so good for me, good for my soul, one of the only things thats kept me going over the past few weeks.

This post was for the The Gallery. Head over on Wednesday to see all the other pictures.